Blog Post 215

Friendly Fire

I should've known better than to hit you up. I just wanted to see where you stood with me. I wasn't sure if we were cool or just completely done with one another. I understand I took some time off and away from reaching out to you. But I really missed having you around and I didn't realize at the time you had move to a different state. I wanted to just end the conversation right then and there because I thought that making things work or going back to what we had was done and over with for good. I wanted to kill off all the feelings I had for you because in my head I knew it was never going to be the same and I hated the thought of never seeing you. I asked you questions about what the future hold for us and you replied back with the same response as always so I felt good about that. I wasn't overthinking anything and I stop panicking over the thought of losing you.

I admit it took some time getting used to you being away and not next to me. In my head, I thought it was over between us and I think that's what made it hard for me to process everything that was happening around me. I get that we dated for 3 years straight and nothing ever went wrong but when you ended up moving I high-key lost my cool. I wanted you around more than ever at the time and I knew I had to just let shit be and flow so things didn't spiral out of control. I let you do your thing and only checked up on you when needed to. I became distant and neutral towards just about everything that involved us. I didn't care to fight or bother with the thought of us anymore. I let that ship sink and moved on without telling you and that was my mistake. I just didn't want to be another barrier in your life. I wanted you to have your space and freedom.

I just wish you were still by my side so I could talk to you like how I used to do. I'm tired of not knowing how to talk to you because before I would just open up to you with just about everything and anything. But nowadays I'm just silent and don't bother saying a word to you or anyone else around me. I've become so numb to all the shit around me that nothing feels the same or is worth the mention. I can't help but shut everyone out and just do me and get lost in my head. I still think about all the things we did together that I'll do anything to have that back. I feel lonely thinking about you because when you're away I don't find it easy to be around others. I find myself always being numb and nonexistent when out and about. I just really wish you'd come back to North Carolina and lay with me one last time. I miss the late-night laughs and the late-night shenanigans with you. I never got bored or ever had to overthink about what to say or do when it came to you. It was just nice having you always around.

Just sucks that there's no more us even after everything we've been through and done. I'm going to miss you more than you'll ever know. I hope one day we can pick up where we left off because I'm not going anywhere anytime soon so hopefully it'll all work its way around. I just really want you around and have you be the one for me. I'm not eyeing anyone else or care to be seen with anyone else other than you and you know that. I just wish we could hang out like how we used to and call it a year. But for now, I'll continue to do the regular and let you decide on where you want things to go cause I'm down for whatever when it comes to you. I really just don't want to lose you after all the years I've spent with you and have all the memories just fade away.