Blog Post 219

Don’t Say You’re Sorry!

I never had the heart to stay but I guess I should’ve known better than to give up my time for something so temporary! I couldn’t help but figure you out for the better only to realize nothing ever got better in the process! It was just lies after lies and it was draining from the start! Nothing I did or could do would have made things work! No matter how hard I tried and fight for us it would always just come out as me being the bad guy! I hated the image you made for me. I didn’t realize the way you saw me was so cruel and disapproving. If I had known sooner I would have just left you alone but no! You choose to do your thing and lead me on only for me to get hurt in the process! I ended up losing those I cared about because I didn’t want to walk away from something that I thought was worth fighting for. But turns out there was nothing to fight for. If anything it was just us fighting the whole damn time and for what I don’t know! I guess because we never saw eye to eye and that’s what made it difficult to show any sort of sympathy for one another!

I ended up running in places with different faces because it was easier than being with you knowing someone would eventually get my mind off you and little did I know it worked! Took me a while but I finally found someone who makes me forget all about you! I didn’t see the point to keep my existence lingering around you knowing it would have just kissed you off! I didn’t care if we never spoke to one another because I did what I had to and said everything I needed to hate you! It wasn’t an easy decision but it was the right decision at the time! I’m better off in the distance knowing things will never work out between us two and I don’t ever want it to! I’m done draining myself just so I could have a connection with someone who sees me as a threat! It’s just pointless! I never wanted to come off as a threat to you but the way you be acting and treating me it really made me open my eyes and see the real you! I wish I could have changed your outlook on me but that’s just a waste of time!

I ended up craving closure from you so much that I ended up getting closer and closer until I ended up getting pushed out! I needed to find the thing that put me at ease and it turned out it was never the closure that was needed it was my hatred for all the things you put me through! I wish I could sit back and say I was lying but I can’t! I got so sick and tired of the shit that you were making me feel that I ended up just going back to hating you! I felt the need to distance myself and sit back from time to time because I wasn’t sure what was best for me! I didn’t care to argue out fight with you because what good would that have done? It just made more sense to me to walk away knowing I’d have to hate you in the process of letting go! Which sucks but I wasn’t sure what more I could have done or needed to do! It was my last resort because I really cared about you and I hated to have to put those feelings to the side so I could erase you by hating you! I guess it’s just my fault for not reading the warning label before getting involved knowing I had multiple people warn me about you on different occasions. But you know me I don’t care about shit like that if I’m into the person so I basically ignored them and went for it! Just to get fucked over! Which is fine but god damn why are you actually like that?

I guess at the time it just felt all so right because I was under the influence the whole time while being with you so I never saw a problem until afterwards of me stopping the use of substance! I was seeing clearer and noticed that everything that was happening wasn’t normal nor should it have ever happened! But I didn’t know it at the time because it all felt so nice and I couldn’t get enough of it! I ended up getting high after every link-up we had because the tension and thoughts were so damn high and out of my control that I needed a way to numb them so I popped a pill here and there only to realize I was acting out and doing shit out of my comfort zone! I continued to have you over and over multiple times because it was so addicting having you around that I couldn’t grasp the idea of losing you! I was so intrigued with the idea of you that I cleared my schedule just for you and only you! I didn’t hang out or see anybody else other than you and ended up having all my attention be towards you which was hell for me because I wasn’t ever myself when it came to you! I became numb to everything that I just let shit be for what it was and didn’t feel the need to fix myself from the relapse and overuse!

I let myself be drained and used until there was nothing left for my body to feel that it felt relaxing and calming! I made myself become the mistake for my own fixing so I would never go back to you and have myself feel that way ever again. I let myself get so caught up with all the shit you put me through that when I finally let it all go and out of my system I came to terms that I was never really into you! I was only into the thought of you and I think that’s why it was so hard for me to open up to you because I knew it was nothing more than just a thought in a cloud! I didn’t really need you but it was nice having you at the beginning! But after that, it was complete shit, and a match made in hell the best way I can describe it! I’m so glad I’m finally done with everything and I can just continue to go do me and focus on my friends that actually care for my well-being and don’t just use me for their needs on their own time, unlike some people I’ve met!