Blog Post 220
A Matter of Time
I swear this is nothing against anyone other than myself and my inner demons. I have no hate towards anyone right now. I'm just trying to get a grip on certain shit that seems to just be slipping away every chance it gets. I don't care to go into details about this or that when I already know what needs to be done. I keep hiding my true self from others because the real me would never be understood and I don't think I want it to be understood if I'm being completely honest. It's like there are multiple versions of me being created day by day and I don't know who or what I am at this point. It's all just a blur for me because half the time I feel like drowning and other days I feel like I'm allowed to exist and others it's just a blank space. No thoughts no knowledge no nothing. It's just a void of emptiness for me on regular basis and I don't know what I'm supposed to make out of it let alone do with it. All I ever do nowadays is overthink and drown myself in hatred of myself.
It keeps happening every time I feel the need to reach out to someone knowing they'll be no help so I dissociate and keep to myself knowing I'll find my way out of it eventually. Maybe not today or tomorrow but later on in the month. It just takes time and patience even though the damage is already taking its toll on others around me and those in the way. I don't mean to do it's just something that happens when things end up going to shit for me and I have to either find a way to cope with it and let it be or just find a way to avoid it from me ever knowing about it. It's just stupid how I can't keep a good thing going or care to have good things happen for me because I'm always on such defense for shit to get out of hand and always preparing for the worst and never seeing shit for how it really it is knowing that it could all just be for show and nothing more. I tend to always have a negative outlook on shit because if it's too good to be true then I automatically overthink about the worst-case scenario and just withdraw from it before it happens.
I never saw the point in giving my time to such temporary situations and people in general. It's just annoying having to invest my time, money, and energy into shit that's gonna end in just a split second. I'd rather just be on my own and in my own world than have to deal with the overthinking about this and that which literally has no meaning to me but I do it anyways just because I want to see how it plays out and that's what sucks. I always stay for the end when I know I'm better off just leaving in the beginning. Why would I bother putting myself in uncertain situations just for others to find themselves at ease? Makes me want to vomit and not ever be associated with them. Feels like I'm dealing with a waste of life and for what? Just so they can be stupid and a user? I'm just tired of the mind games and every other shit that's been played. It's like a constant reset button is being hit on a game that's been long over and played out.
I just need to be in solitude and away from everyone until I feel like I'm being 100% honest with myself and figure out what it is I want from those who are in my life currently. I don't want to be put in positions where I can't be authentic to myself or those around me. It's like I've been suffocating my whole entire existence just so others can be happy. What if I want to be happy now and no longer care if people around me are mad or sad about the shit I do? What then? Would I still be alive or will you kill me off completely? It's so exhausting trying to be a people pleaser when the person who is pleasing others isn't even happy with themselves. So how do you expect them to make others happy? Make that shit make sense!