Blog Post 221
All the Times You Could've Lied
I understand that there will never be any sort of love between us two and honestly I’m okay with that because after all it’s just a game for you so I pretended to do the same and let you think what we have is real knowing damn well none of it really ever mattered. So let’s just call it what it is and move on from all the games and suffering! It’s no use to keep holding on to things that are already broken and damaged! Feels like it’s just spare parts for the wrong things! No matter what we do to try and solve the problems we’re always going to have a missing piece! It’s draining as fuck thinking things are working out then have shit turn into fighting and chaos for us to just go our separate ways! I wish things didn’t have to end on such a bad note but here we are day by day letting shit get worse and worse just to see who can tap out the first!
It’s like a constant war between us two and we don’t even have a clue as to what we’re fighting for other than to see each other in pain! Feels like everything we do and say is just adding fuel to the flame and none of us are sure how to stop it so we just continue with the back and forth until there’s nothing left to give! It sucks that we have to go through so much shit just to say three little words! I don’t care for the love, hate situation that we have it’s just you end up making me be someone I’m not just to get your way and I hate that for me! I keep my cool and feelings to the side so I can have a clear head with everything’s happening but sometimes it feels like you want a different side of me that isn’t there and it’s killing me because I’m not what you’re wanting or have the characteristics that you’re looking for in me! Which is fine with me because we can always just part way and find the things we’re actually wanting and need! But for some reason, you keep pulling me in just to see if there’s anything there knowing damn well I’m not the person you want!
I keep a lot of shit to myself and withdraw from the thought of us being together because it feels like a constant pull and struggle to be around and next to you! You say one thing just to see my reaction knowing I’ll never react only to get mad at me for not reacting to something that wasn’t important enough to react to! So I let you get angry and upset with me just to see how you deal with my nonchalant ass. I never wanted to hurt you I just wanted to see how you’d react to my nonchalant ways. It was never supposed to be an insult towards you or have you feel stupid! It was just my way of seeing if you could handle my noncaring and nonreactive side and turns out you can’t and I think that’s why we have so many problems! You’re the one who tends to overreact to everything while I sit back and observe things to see how it all plays out. If there’s nothing that’s giving me a reason to react or I don’t feel like it’s a threat or a danger to me then I leave it alone but if it does then I may move out of its way or simply just handle it as if it isn’t that big of a deal and go from there. But you let that shit consume you and it’s sad! I wish you’d just learn to relax and let shit be cause I be chilling over shit that is concerning to others only because I know it’ll soon die down and I can continue with my life how I want!
This wasn’t some kind of game or a test to see how you and I would work. It was just a simple connection between two people who ended up liking each other only to find out they were no good for each other and needed to part ways. But you chose to lie and say things were great and well only to let me suffer at the end of not knowing when to leave or how to say it! I never thought I’d be so attached yet so alone all at once. Felt like I was dying just to please someone who never really cared about me! I should’ve just walked out the moment I found out that you liked me so you couldn’t get a grip around me! I never meant to lead you on. I just thought maybe we could become close but not too close if you know what I mean. It’s like you were a drug that I couldn’t help but use all the time. I needed space from you but I just kept coming back because at the time you were the only thing that I needed. But now that I’m clear-headed and have zero feelings for you it’s clear to me we were never meant to be. It was just a feeling that I got high off thinking it could and should work only because I didn’t know what else to feel or think!