Blog Post 222

My Feelings Aren't Meant For You

I forget that certain people around me don't deserve or need to see the caring side of me. It just feels wrong to show how vulnerable I can be to others just for them to call me sensitive or overly caring. I tend to shut down in moments when I can't describe how I'm feeling or what it is I'm feeling because I never learned to understand how feelings actually worked. I just suppressed all my emotions growing up and let them ball up and over time I let them die. It felt safer that way than to have people ask questions about why I did the shit I did knowing it was just me reacting to shit and how I felt towards it at the time. But now I no longer react or acknowledge the shit that's been said or done to me because there's no point in addressing it or giving it too much thought. I just let it be what it is and hope for the best. I'm not looking for people to say sorry or any sort of communication when it comes to bad doings. I'm at a point where I'm just letting people do what they need to do and have myself do what I need to do and go from there. I see no point in having bad blood or hard feelings towards others. It's just you chose to do what you thought was needed so I analyzed the situation for what it was and decided to avoid it from reaching my comfort zone and I'm sorry that upset you. It's just I'm done reacting and giving you the attention that you crave. It's not worth my time or energy anymore. So just move on and leave me be.

I'm only allowing myself to have a limited amount of feelings towards a few people that I care about and those that just let me be myself. It's just easier and more enjoyable for me. I'm not out here trying to please or give a fuck about this and that when it's not something I care about. I no longer find it entertaining to be surrounded by others nor did I ever see the point in it. It just felt like a waste of time and space. I was so caught up in trying to please everyone around me that I wasn't even sure who they were at the time. I wanted them to like me that I ended up acting like those around them and it was so fucking draining because I can never be someone else. I ended up lying in certain situations because I wasn't sure if I could be myself around them. I let my anxiety take over and ended up suffocating at the end of it. I wasn't meaning to give off the wrong impression of who I was or what I am. I just didn't want them to know the real me at the time because the real me is very neutral and nonchalant. So they might have seen that as a threat and ended up asking me if something was wrong when nothing is ever wrong with me. It's just I don't care to be associated with people who I can't be myself around. It's nothing against them or those closest to them, it's just I personally get drained from being around others and having to play the character of someone who enjoys other's company.

I understand we have to find those who make us feel comfortable and loved but sometimes I have a hard time finding that because I can't tell if it's genuine or not. I have such a hard time putting my trust and respect towards others that making new friends for me is like a warzone. I can't give it my all because I end up overthinking every little thing. Such as saying too much or too little and never just enough. I don't want to come off as too strong or too weak and it's just a constant battle trying to find a balance making a friendship out of nothing. I'm very open with others that I'm comfortable around and those I care about but then I go completely numb and distant towards people who don't mean much to me but are close to those I know and care about and I don't want to seem like an ass to them but what more could I do because I'm not trying to collide and mess shit up between the trio. I just get overly drained trying to be there for everyone when half the time I'm not even there for myself. Which is fine because it distracts me from my own worst thoughts and makes me focus on the things that matter but shit give me some time to think things through. Don't just tell me to make friends with someone you just met thinking I'll get along with them. I need to mentally prepare to talk to them and figure them out first before I consider them as a friend or anything in that area.

I prefer to analyze from a distance and then decide if they're worth my time because 9/10 majority of the people I meet aren't worth my time to figure out. I can already tell what they're up to and the shit they're looking for just from the way they talk and who they know. It's not that hard to figure out for me. As long as they're not making their way toward me we're good because I'm quick to ignore and look the other way when it comes to new people. I don't care to be bothered by the shit you have to say because I've heard it all before so it's nothing new. So just get on with it and let me know what it is you really want because by the looks of it you only want to waste my time and get with my friends and that's just not worth my time or trouble. So by all means just stay put and act dead for all I care because I'm tired of it all. I don't care if I seem rude and cold it's just I'm so sick of everyone being the exact same and coming up to me with that same exact intro. It's like nobody knows how to be original nowadays and it's pathetic as fuck. Just be straight up and go from there. Stop with the bullshit intros and say it with your chest god damn.