Blog Post 223

That Version No Longer Exist

I'm done trying to send out messages explaining the pain you caused and how it affected me. I wish you were sober so we could talk face to face but knowing you you'll just get upset that I'm even making the attempt to talk to you. I wanted to make things clear but you only saw that as a threat when all I ever did was care about you. You made me happy for the longest but then soon after you ended up causing pain day after day and I didn't have a reason as to why you were doing it. I wish you could have just explained to me what was up with you but you just ended up shutting me out every time I asked if there was a problem. It was killing me on the inside not knowing what went wrong or what was making you act that way. I ended up distancing and avoiding you for the longest time because I was scared you were no longer the same person I once fell in love with.

I wanted things to be real and authentic as much as possible between us two. But you never seemed to be real with the feelings you were having and that's what made it hard on me because all my feelings were out in the light while yours were still in the shadows just lingering around not knowing where to go. I took things slow and took it step by step and even that seemed to trigger your anger towards me. I didn't know what more I could do other than just stop trying and give up at the time. I knew it was going to hurt like hell ending things but it was for the best because the way I felt was becoming draining and tiring. I wasn't over the thought of loving you because I still ended up holding on to it after the thought of walking away hit me. I wanted to keep going even though I knew it was going to be the end of me. But I didn't care at the time because I just wanted to be there for you even though you pushed me away like an outcast after everything we went through to get things right.

We ended up going our separate ways just to find out we were never meant to be. We ourselves were the problem and as long as we keep our distance from one another nothing can go wrong. It's when we're together that shit starts spiraling out of control. It sucks that things can never work between us two but it's whatever at this point. We tried and tried time after time just to have the same result as before and it's such a waste of time and energy at this point. I just want it to end for good and let shit be. I'm not looking for an apology or face-to-face closure from you. I want to move on and erase the thought of ever knowing you because lately, the only thing I've been wanting is to find the time to get some rest and look for peace within myself instead of always looking for it in others. I have so many regrets when it comes to you but hopefully, I can let go of the past and erase all of the memories I have of you and not bother with the thought of you anymore.

I hope I never care enough to reach out to you or bother having a reaction when hearing your name. I don't care to be affected by anything that has to do with you. I'm shutting down all my thoughts and feelings that I have for you and just remaining calm as much as possible. I no longer care to see you out in the public eye because the flashbacks aren't worth my time. I just want you to do your thing and be happy but don't ever bother thinking about me or the things I'm up to because the person you knew has died. He no longer exists as you once knew him. That person and everything about him is no more so please don't bother looking for him in me. I will never see you the same as he once saw you, I have no knowledge of you or the things you did. I would have to restart from scratch if you ever approached me in real life and I hope that day never comes because I'll end up hurting you 100x worse than you hurt the previous version. I'm done with you and there's nothing you can say or do to change my mind. So please forgive me for what's about to be said and done these next few months but it's the only way you'll understand