Blog Post 224

Dogding Bullets

I never said I wanted to I just said it was easier doing it that way. I never asked for forgiveness or your sympathy! All I asked was for your understanding but you went and blew it out of proportion just to see how I’d react knowing it was never that serious to begin with! I ended up coming back to make things right just to be left in the background to deal with the lies you told knowing it was never meant to last! I did my best to make some sort of sense out of it but it just wasn’t adding up! I felt like every time I tried it was just a waste of time and energy on my part! I thought I had found what I was missing for so long but turns out it was just my imagination getting in the way! I thought you and I were great but then reality settled in and showed me things for what they really were and I was sick to my stomach that I let that shit go on for that long. I lost track of what was real and fake only to end up faking all my feelings for something that was a mess from the start! I thought by denying all the lies and trauma that things would be easier on me but it just wasn’t the case. I didn’t know what to do or how to go about it because at the time I was scared of losing you! I hated the thought of speaking out on shit because I wasn’t sure if you would have ended up leaving and I just wasn’t ready for you to leave. So I left shit be for how it was even though I knew deep down inside it has to be addressed but just wasn’t sure when! 

I hated the thought of being someone new to you after everything I said and did with you. It felt like I was dodging bullets on a daily just to get things right with you. I drained and drowned myself in the pain of sorrow and left myself to be taken advantage of so you would get your ways even though I never denied the feelings I had for you. I just never cared enough to show them out in the public eye. I left that part in the shadows because I knew if they had came into the light then things would have spiraled out of hand. I let things be for what they were at the time just to find something better and not have shit be so hard on me! I went to the drugs and had that be my only secret from you and everyone around! I thought by using things would be a lot easier to cope with the thought of you. I let myself get so consumed with the numbing that I had no Intentions of letting you go at the time! I wanted to keep you around just so I could feel all the things I never could. I used you as my own personal high while the drugs were fading out my system! I let you have your ways just so I could be stimulated by your presence! I hated myself for the shit I was doing but at the time I didn’t know how to stop or how to let go of you!

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to make things right with you or just find someone completely new knowing I’d have to start fresh and new with them! I wanted to keep what we had built but at the same time I wanted to see it burn to the ground only because at the time I knew what we had built was all based on lies and deception! I left the thought of tearing it all down because I knew that one day I’d need something to look back on and know that what we had was damaging but at the same time I cared enough to do it with you and I think that’s what’s hard on me! I ended up building something worth the wait and time just to find out it was never meant to last! At the time it just felt like I was running out of time to make things right when I should've been looking for a way out the whole time. It would have saved me so much trouble and trauma. I thought by letting the bullets hit there mark that it would make me want to stop from helping you but it just made me want to go even harder because I kept seeing the bigger picture instead of what it was already! There was no point in waiting for the bullets to stop because at the end up the clip you would have just reloaded and aimed the gun at me once again! So I made the decision to keep on faking my feelings and acted as if things were fine between us two just so you could think the love we had was still there. But in all honesty that love died the moment you emptied out the clip on me even though I did my best to dodge all the bullets that came my way!