Blog Post 225

Giving off the Wrong Idea

I don't mind the thought of us going at it if that's the thing you choose. I lose track of time when it comes to you anyways so what's there more to lose other than the high you give off when you're close to me. I get so caught up in the feeling of having you next to me that nobody could compare to you and the things you do for me. I'll forever care about you but god damn don't go out and put the blame on me for the shit that was never my fault. You're the best and worse thing that has ever happened to me only because the best parts of you are the parts you never show to others but for me and the bad parts are the things you keep out from the public eye to see. You get so reckless with your feelings that things just tend to spiral out of my control and I tend to shut down so you can do your thing. I never asked questions or got in your way while you were hating me. I just let you hate me and I ended up seeing a side of you that I was trying to avoid for so long. I knew from the moment I met you that your intentions were never pure but you insisted that I'd give it go knowing damn well that you were a bad influence on me and my mental health.

I wish we had never spoken to each other that night while we were drunk, chilling on the rooftop. I ended up understanding every single thought that you had and made it come to life for you. I didn't know it at the time but the thoughts you had were meant for me and not for someone else who was in your life. I just thought I was helping you by letting you express your emotions that you keep hidden and away from the light. I didn't realize you had feelings about me otherwise I would have just gone another route about it. I wouldn't have made you be so open so soon. I would have made you delete the thought of us ever being as one and left it at that. I don't need to be another fuck up in someone else's life when I've made so many mistakes already that I wouldn't know how to deal with myself if I had made another one. I wish you would have given me a heads-up that you had felt that way about me before I ended up getting drunk with you. I would've talked you out of liking me knowing damn well that's what would have been best for everyone involved.

I didn't realize at the time that the feelings you had expressed went unsaid for that long all because you took into consideration that I don't deal well with having feelings so I appreciate that gesture. But damn you should've just let those feelings fade for the better because now I'm stuck between the thought of loving you and hating you because you opened up to me about the way you feel knowing that things can never work between us two. I wish things could but who are we kidding the thought of us being together just isn't meant to be like that. I care about you and let you open as much as you need about the shit you feel and why it is you feel that way but don't get it twisted. The things I do and say are just me trying to cheer you up and let you do your thing without feeling like I'm judging you or the things you do. I'm just letting you be and having you have it your way but without the feelings. I understand that we have our moments together where it feels like a match made in heaven but that's just what it feels like in general when I'm with the right people. I'm sorry if you thought I was giving off a different vibe than you expected. I didn't mean for it to be so confusing. I just hope that your feelings can die down for me and we can go back to just the late-night vibes on the rooftop.