Blog Post 226

Ended Up Hiding the Pain Away

I did my best to act normal as much as possible but behind closed doors, I ended up falling apart not knowing if I’d make it out or not! I used my time and energy to act so damn fine just to be drained by the truth knowing it was all a masquerade. I didn’t care for others to know about what was happening or going on with me! I kept quiet and sat back while observing. I didn’t speak or ask for help from anyone other than myself. I never thought about reaching out to those closest to me because I wasn’t sure if I could trust them with my current situation that I was in and dealing with at the time!

I got so damn lonely cutting everyone out while the pain and trauma consumed me throughout the months! I never cared to open up or express any sort of distress that I was going through! I thought things would have just passed over like they always do but not back then! I let it get the best of me and it turned into something I wasn’t capable of controlling and lost myself in the process! I wanted to be alone so desperately that I craved the silence of the night and closed my eyes telling myself it’s finally done and over with knowing it’ll never be over not as long as I live. I shut the door and locked myself away for months at a time thinking it would help but it just made it worse for my mental health! 

I never thought I could be so lonely but at the time it was all I felt! I didn’t feel much after the door was closed! I sat and thought about every wrong I ever did to the point where I let it suffocate me into a deep sleep not letting me think about anything else! I let it haunt me for months thinking it was the best decision and solution to all my problems so I didn’t end up hurting anyone else around me! I got so drained by the thought of others being around me that I ended up dissociating and isolating myself from everyone I knew and had contact with!

I didn’t care to be seen outside or at work at the time. I hid in the shadows thinking that I was doing what was best for others if they just didn’t acknowledge my existence or care to remember my face! I didn’t plan on making it out of my current situation! I was just wanting to disappear and I did everything I knew I could to become invisible and uninvolved with others that I just didn’t care to even bother with my own existence at the time! I let the days and time pass by as if they meant nothing to me knowing it was all just a waste of time to be alive. I gave up on the thought of living life and only had thoughts of being 6ft under with no way out!

I never asked for anyone’s help because I knew that it would have made me seem like an ass so I stuck it out on my own and avoided all care in general! I didn’t feel like having my pain and trauma be a burden to those around me! I did my best to consume it all on my own and deal with it in my own way without the need for others to ask about my whereabouts knowing damn well it wouldn’t have mattered in the end! I built myself on isolation and anxiety so the situation was like another barrier that just needed to be broken through! I didn’t care to go around it or find another route! I just wanted to face it head on knowing it would cost me everything but at the time I didn’t care because I had nothing to care about or anyone holding me back!

I was on my own for so long that nothing seemed to phase me back then! Everything was just a day-by-day situation without ever actually having a solution to it! It was just a mess from the start and I let it build up until it started leaning over! I let that bitch fall and started over time after time with no probability as to how to really fix it or knowledge of how to stop it from leaning over! I wanted to find a solution but the timing was never on my side! It was always chaos time after time and half the time it wouldn’t even be my fault! It would just be randomly falling and all I did was avoid it so it didn’t overwhelm me with the guilt and pain! I ignored all the wrongs for so long that it just finally ended up taking its toll and it ended up falling on top of me burying me under all the chaos that had happened!