Blog Post 228
Looking Back on It
Not even sure where to start other than to just do the best I can to get to the point. You left me to die thinking things would be better for you only to forget that the demons will always lurk around you no matter the time or distance. So for you to treat me the way that you did I hope the karma that has entered your life does the worst to you! I’m simply chilling and doing my best to let shit be but for you, I can see that it’s taking a toll on your health and for that, I can’t relate or feel any sort of sadness to it! You chose to do the thing you thought was right only to find out it would come to haunt you in the end! You wanted the freedom and time to do your own thing but forgot one key factor about how karma takes its revenge on everyone and everything when it’s time! So for you to just cast me out the way that you did and made me be the bad guy for no reason when all I did was be myself I hope you see how fucked life can really get. I hope you learn your lesson about getting involved with those who are perfectly fine being on their own and not so social!
You thought you could be me and help me out of the darkness but instead, you got so caught up in the darkness that you let it consume you instead of just avoiding the fact that I was never wanting to be helped! That was your doing and not mine! You chose to walk into my life and you chose to stick around time after time even though I kept pushing you out! So now you’re stuck with the pain and guilt and I couldn’t be more annoyed at you for doing the things you did! You knew what the consequences were going to be and yet you chose to stay just to put the blame on me knowing I had no intentions of letting you stay! I blocked you time after time just for you to come back and have shit work when you knew damn well there was nothing to work on! You just wanted to see the real me knowing that part is never shown to others! But you thought by sticking around you could see something in me but instead, all that was shown were the demons next to me!
I have nothing left to say to you or care to be involved in the shit that happens to you! You chose to be around me so you’re going to deal with the shit you caused! I told you no and you insisted! Now, look at you deep in depression asking how it came down to this knowing exactly how! You kept pushing and shoving your way into my life and inner circle just to come out a mess. I swear it’s like you were just looking for an excuse to hate on me knowing I gave you my reasoning for not to be around me and the things that were going to happen if you stayed! But you chose to ignore it and played it out as if it was a game when in reality it was a life and death situation! There was nothing funny about the things that were happening! It was all based on trauma and yet you thought you could relate to it? You fucking fool! Nobody is supposed to relate to one’s trauma and past! You’re only supposed to ask what you can do to help but after that, you just leave them alone because, in all honesty, they don’t want help! They just needed someone to listen to them! But you chose to do the exact opposite and I think that’s why you went off the wagon and got caught up in the darkness because I told you that none of it was real and nothing is ever going to be real but you chose to bring it into the light for others and that’s where you fucked up big time!
People like me aren’t around other people because people are the root cause for triggering my trauma! I’m done dealing with others because nothing good has ever come from dealing with people! They always just tend to be way too curious about what I’m feeling and doing when in all honesty I have days where I feel absolutely nothing so when they ask and I tell them nothing they think I’m shitting on them when in reality I really have nothing going on in my thought process or life at the moment. So I apologize in advance if you get triggered by me not feeling emotions it’s not like I have things to think about that make me feel the same way as you do! I feel things for reasons and not just because it’s what others want to see! I do my own thing on my own time and not for others! Everyone wants to do things for others and it’s just so fake! I could never do or feel a certain way just because a person wanted me to! I don’t know how they do it but god damn I could never put myself in a position where my feelings were only obligated to be shown when someone was around or needed me!
It feels like part of me is just being used if I was to do things their way! I hate the thought of being used and not in control of my own doings! Feels like a setup from the jump knowing nothing I say or do will have any sort of effect! Feels like mind games just being tossed out into a pit of people and we gotta figure out who’s who only to realize nobody is who they say they are! It’s just a masquerade and nothing more! You can look under the mask and still end up being with the wrong person! It’s just a waste of time trying to figure it all out when all I ever asked for was to be left alone because I knew from an early age nobody is who they really say they are! Yeah, they might act the way they talk but behind closed doors, it’s a whole different person, and that's why I have trust issues! People will forever be two-faced and I can’t put that past them! All I can do is just stay true to myself and if they get triggered by that then off with their head at this point!