Blog Post 229

Finding My Way Back

I know I took some time to be alone and away from others especially you when all I wanted was to be next to you! I let myself go and left you in the middle of the night thinking it would help my sanity only to realize you’re all I want and nothing could compare! I found a way out thinking it was done but I was still hurting from all the pain and damage that had happened between us two! I tried my best to ignore it as if it was never a thing and got side track of why it ever happened! I made excuses after excuses saving myself from all the trauma and lies you spoke of! I lost my mind thinking I could end my life to help you in the end but finally saw that it was never that deep of a situation. You only made it seem that way because you wanted me around knowing I never asked to be involved with you! I was losing my cool and happiness day by day just by looking at you. I wanted to hate you so bad for everything you put me through but decided not to because I wasn’t sure where I would begin to hate you! There were so many times and situations that led me to walk out and drive away knowing you’d eventually catch up to me! I had nowhere to hide or go to without you knowing about it! I tried my best to reach out to other people and get associated with them so I didn’t have to be around you, only for you to end it all because you thought I was seeking an escape! I wasn’t seeking out shit but time and space from you! I never cared for others help I just wanted to be around others so I wouldn't be in your way! I was fighting for my life being around you but kept my mouth shut because knowing you I wouldn’t have made it out alive. 

I stuck to the darkness and hid in the shadows just so I didn’t slip up and mention the abuse! I let myself get severely numb to the point where I didn’t eat for days because I wasn’t sure if I was even capable of eating! I was sick to my stomach throwing up from all the anxiety I was feeling! I wanted to end it all but you kept acting as if it was my own doing when you were the root cause of it all! I never asked for you or the trauma that came with you! I just wanted to be alone for so long that you made it impossible for me! I’m so used to being on my own that you being around me all the time just got to be aggravating and annoying for me because it felt like I wasn’t able to freely be on my own and do things when I wanted/needed to! It felt like I was being continuously controlled day by day and no sign of escape! I began to hate your presence and the sound of your voice that I kept earbuds in to mute your negativity out from my head! I hate how the flashbacks keep hitting me every time I’m in a car thinking it’ll end right then and there only to find out it’s still the same as before! I can’t help but get uncomfortable when people grab or hug me because of the physical abuse you put me through! I never talked about it or cared to open up about anything you did because I never saw the point of it but since I’m going off on just about everything and everyone I figured I’d talk shit about you and the shit you did!

I keep a lot of pain and events to myself because people will never have the capacity to understand and feel the things I feel knowing it should be talked about so they could find someone who can help but what’s the use? They’ll just say the same shit any other doctor would say! It’s so pointless and draining talking about my problems! I just wish it would all end and be buried 6ft under! I hate the thought of people coming into my life and playing the part of a friend when I only see them as someone who wants to use me or simply put just harass me. I hate dealing with people nowadays because it’s just the same outcome every time! Meet someone new, make a friendship out of nothing, and spend a little time together just to get played at the end of it all! NO FUCKING THANK YOU! Too much stress and wasted time for me to get involved with another human being! I just simply wanna be left alone like how I was when I was born! Nobody to care for me and nobody to acknowledge me! Simple as that! So why can’t you fuck faces get that through your heads? I don’t care to be around or near any of you!! Just fucking stop!! I don’t need help or care to talk about this and that when all I’m asking for right now is just isolation! I need to find myself and what I’m good at and the things that make me genuinely happy! I’m done meeting temporary people and doing temporary shit with others! I just want to be alone for the time being because the way I’m feeling right now is not suitable for anyone who cares about their well-being! So please just fuck off!!! 

I’m just needing some time to get back on the right track and away from everyone I’ve known and know! I don’t want to hurt or be hurt by anyone anymore so I’m taking the time to just vanish for a while and stick to what’s best for me and only me! I’ve got demons on my side right now and I gotta find a way to get rid of them so in the meantime please don’t bother looking for me because I promise you, you won’t like what you find! I’m done with this shit and life itself for the moment! I have so much hate for myself right now that I don’t even care to go into it! I just need everyone to get out of my head and die! I have zero fucks to give and it’s all just so confusing right now because how can a single person make me hate myself so much?! It makes no sense!! Feels like life is just a lie and we have to just live in it and for what?!?! I wish there was an easier solution to all of this but there isn't which sucks. But it's whatever because the way I see it things just end up going to shit whenever the person is shit so the less shitty people I hang out with the less of a shit the situation is and I hope that's all I have to do from now on. So if you're giving off any sign that you're a shitty person I'm going to have to ask you to please remove yourself from my life because I'm not going to give you the time of day to fuck up my life!