Blog Post 231
I Did My Best Just to End Up Losing You
I wish you would have understood that it was never about wanting you back it was only about making things right and seeing where things could go and be for us! I never saw you as a competition or any sort of threat! But you ended up fighting and breaking the trust I tried so hard to keep intact that it just wasn’t worth my time being around you anymore! I left and didn’t look back due to me knowing it wouldn’t have made any sort of difference. So that’s all for now because the way you came and fucked my life up I can never forgive you! But I will forgive you for the pain you caused! I knew that pain was just going to be something I’d have to learn from and knowing me if there’s no growth and knowledge then what’s the point in it all? I let you fuck it all up for me just to make you out to be somebody I would never look at the same way ever again!
I wanted to go all in with you but you just ended up fucking up my life for the worst and I had to deal with it on my own knowing it was just a trial and error with you and that’s on me! I asked to see if we could make things work and it didn’t go as planned so I let the pain consume me to the point where I knew it was never going to work between us two and I had to end it all! I let you get your way just for you to kill me at the end which I didn’t mind because that’s the sacrifice I had to make! I never wanted to do anything wrong or make any sort of mistake when it came to you & us so I let it all just be for what it was and didn’t second guess it! I told you day in and day out that I wanted it to work just for you to never make an adjustment and just kept doing what you did best which was going around and talking shit bout how fucked I made things out to be when all I did was remain neutral and sit back until it was time to walk away! I did everything I could to make it right just to watch it all fall apart!
I waited on you so many times just to feel numb when I saw you! I kept to myself and only cared to talk to you just for you to cast me out to the side! I let shit slide and be the way it was thinking it was for the best even though I craved the communication that you were lacking in the friendship. You acted as if you didn’t care but you let your feelings show just to keep my ass around for your amusement! I got so lost trying to please you just to shut down at the end of it! I got so frustrated with the bond that we had that I didn’t even care to be bothered with it anymore! I wanted to walk away on so many occasions after just certain fights and situations that were happening between us two but you always came around and showed your real self but only when it was beneficial for you and only you! It was never on mutual feelings or agreements it was just for you and I hated it!
There was never a way to find a middle point between the shit that happened. You just pointed all the blame on me expecting me to fix it when all I did was watch it all go down in front of me. I felt so confused as to why everything bad that had happened I was the first one to be blamed?! I was never even involved or around when the shit had happened but if it was anyone to blame I was the first to be pointed out as the suspect. It never made sense to me because all the bad that was being caused was because of you but you never cared to acknowledge your own doing and I think that’s why it was so hard to be around you! You never saw any sort of wrongdoing on your part and if any sort of inconvenience happened to you, you would automatically blame whoever was closest to you at the time. So I guess that’s why all the blame was put on me even though I didn’t even know about it or saw it happen.
It just sucks that you were the one I wanted and did everything I could to make things work just for me to realize how much of my time and energy was being wasted. You left me to be disappointed and empty inside just to watch you smile all around town acting as if things were fine between us two. I avoided all feelings when it came to you and let you laugh it out as you pretended not to care because of the way you felt toward's me you can’t hide or deny that shit! I let you open up to me just to find out the things you felt were only temporary and were never meant to last and I think that’s what made me walk away! I didn’t need to be involved in some temporary shit so why the fuck did it hurt like hell moving on? I knew you were no good for me but yet I still managed to find you to be somebody I was wanting to be around! It never made any sense to me. But now I see it and I feel bad for myself because it was just the attention I was seeking from you. After all, the way you helped me empty out the numbing pain made me see something worth waiting for just to end up being dissatisfied at the end of it! But I guess that’s just part of life. If it was meant to be it would have been but for you and me, it was just a waiting game just to find out it was all based on lies and wasted energy!