Blog Post 233
I Have Zero Issues with You
Hey, so I get that we’ve had our ups and downs but do me a favor and just relax when seeing me! I know I said and did things that I wish I could take back and shit but overall I’m fine with you talking/looking at me or whatever it is you wanna do with me / to me! I just don’t want you to think I hate you! I’m over the shit that went down between us two! I just wish you could recognize the vibe I’m trying to give off and let you see that I’m willing to talk to you if you want! I’ll always be here if you wanna reach out or simply just make small talk. I don’t care what it is I just wish you’d drop the image of me hating you / not wanting to be associated with you!
Yeah, I can only talk and be around you when I’m semi-drunk (had a few shots here and there) but overall I can hold a conversation with you if you were to come and talk to me! Because the way I see it, you’re a good friend I used to have and I messed up and I wish I hadn’t! So if anyone needs to apologize it would be me! I just wish we could come to an understanding/agreement on what we should be and need and go from there! I’m tired of acting like I don’t know you when every time I see you I just wanna ask how you’ve been but stop myself because in my head you don’t care to bother with me so why would I bother with you and end up wasting both of our time! But that’s just me! I’m not sure what your input/outtake on our communication is but that’s just just how I see it!
I could be wrong about the whole situation and I’m okay with that! I’m just letting you know that if you ever wanna reach out or talk about the new things going on in your life I’ll be down to listen anytime you need! I’m just really hoping that one day we can be friends and stay friends without the complications now that we’re older and onto different things in our lives and moved on from all the crazy shit that we were going through! I just wish you and I can somehow break the ice and get back to talking but only when you’re ready or in the right head space to talk again! I’m not in any rush to make contact or anything I’m just realizing that you’re important to me and I want you to be a priority of mine even though we don’t always see eye to eye!
It’s just I’m always waiting for the right moment to make my way to you just to find out there’s always negative thoughts that come at me pushing me further and further away from you! I’ll be standing there glancing at you thinking about making my way to you just to remember all the shit that went down between us two and I don’t want it to happen again so I avoid the thought of talking to you and end up talking to my other group of friends about the shit that’s happening! I just don’t know where to go or how to approach you without you thinking I’m desperate for your attention or some weird shit! I would like to just simply catch up, get a drink and leave! Nothing more nothing less! But it’s hard because I know how you are and it just wouldn’t be in my favor to approach you! I’d just end up making a fool out of myself once again and I promised myself and my friends, I’d stop doing that!
So if I see you again or stumble into you unexpectedly then maybe then I’ll say hey but even then I’ll probably just end up not even saying anything! You’re the only one I can’t fully be myself with and it’s just confusing as to why because we did pretty well the first few times we met and started talking but after that it just kind of went downhill and I just don’t want that again! So maybe it’s just me trying to be perfect and not make any mistakes with you because I don’t want you to see me as a failure or a waste of time or lazy when it comes to our friendship! But that’s just me because I ended up caring and I think that’s why it was so hard to have things be easy flowing between us two! There was always too much tension between you and I because of my doings and me trying to constantly make things work so you’d be happy!
I was so caught up in making things work between us two that I was putting a lot of stress on myself that I ended up overthinking every little thing and that’s where I started losing sight of you! Which was all on me and not on you! I was so fixated on making things right so you’d see the better version of myself that I ended up losing myself in the process trying to be the one you wanted knowing I’d eventually end up breakdown but didn’t care to show that part of me so I’d shut down and distance myself instead! I got mad at myself and myself only that I took the pain to heart and ended up letting it eat me alive while I still faked a smile on my face just so you’d think everything was fine and you didn’t have to worry about me or my doings!
I did a lot for you that you don’t even know about and I don’t really care to go into the things I did because you might just have a hard time believing it and might say something that I’m not willing to hear because it’ll just end up making me want to do better knowing I gave it my all the second time around with you and it’s too late to do it all again! So I’ll just end up leaving it alone and letting time decide what’s best for me from now on! Because I seriously can’t put myself and you through the pain and misery that went on between us for the third time! I’d kill myself before it got to that point with you! Because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy and me being around just didn’t seem to be the answer to your happiness that’s why I walked away and left you to do you for you! I didn’t care to give my explanation because my explanations would have made you question everything we stood for! Knowing it was all for you and no one else!