Blog Post 234
Taking a Step Back
It’s safe to say I’m done with the whole being out and about making new friends just to feel disposable of! I’m tired of acting nice and fake to people who don’t even know the real me! I’ve wasted so much time and energy on shit that’s not even worth mentioning! I let myself get way too ahead of myself thinking I could be like the others and have a social life just to find out that’ll never be me! I’d rather just stay to myself and be in the unknown! I’m not saying I didn’t have a good time or anything I did but every time I was having fun I’d be under the influence looking for another high every time the first one would run out! It was all about a high for me and feeling stimulated by the substance! It was never about the people, it was just a high I was chasing!
Don’t get me wrong meeting new people is cool and all but I’d rather meet the drugs and be on my way! But I guess having people to socialize with here and there isn’t so bad but overall I’d rather just be on my own and do my own thing. I have zero time to figure out if you like me or not because for me I don’t even care anymore. As long as you’re supplying I couldn’t give a rat's ass what you think of me! I got things I need and I’ll find my way to get them! I don’t care if you’re looking out for me or whatever it is you do, as long as you’re not getting in my way or preventing me from doing something that I’ve already set my mind to then we’re good! I’m just at a point where I need to vanish and continue with the things I’m currently doing and not mentioning it to others looking for their approval! It was so annoying to ask others if this and that was good and if I should go with it knowing I could’ve just figured that shit out on my own! I’ve been too reliant on others lately so part of me craves the need for others and I hate that for myself!
I need to get back into the swing of things like how they used to be! I need to go back to keeping it private until I get it right rule! It’s always been my to go and lately it’s just been avoided for some reason! I can’t tell if it’s because I’m being more social and having to talk about things now and being more open about everything or if it’s just the drugs taking over and letting them decide my every move! But whatever it is I need for it to stop because I don’t even have the time to process the shit that’s being asked or said to me in a reasonable manner! It’s just quick remarks and it’s so annoying! I want to just go back to the hell hole I came from and lay everything out and just process all the details and facts that were being thrown my way! I also need to get the fuck away from social media because that’s just a whole distraction from everything I’m wanting to do!
I’m just trying to find a balance between my own life and having others in my life! I went from having 3-5 people in my life to like 80 in just 5 months! It’s so hard to keep up and trying to be there for everyone when I’m only wanting to be there for myself at times! It’s just frustrating. After all, I’d hate to have them think I hate them because I’m not talking to them or coming over to hang out when it’s not even that! It’s just I’m being drained left and right, up and down and I can’t seem to catch a recharge unless I go to substance for a high to get me through it all! It’s like there’s so much going on and me trying to process it all is just an overload and I can’t keep up with it all! So I shut down and feel bad for everyone around because I can’t explain my reasoning behind the shutdowns! I just wish I was on a sugar rush 24/7 so I’d be able to keep up and do the things my friends do and not feel so drained!
I just want to take a few steps back and reflect on what my life even is and figure out if it’s even worth the wild and time. If not then I’ll end my shit and be on my way to my happy place and boom botta bing I’m good! I wouldn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone or care to be in other's way or just simply feel unwelcome or just a bother in general! I’ll kill off the overthinking and have my mind be at rest knowing there’s nothing left to think about! It’ll just be all so peaceful when I end my shit eventually. That’s the one thing I’m looking forward to in life. Is the peace and quiet I’ll get when I end it all! It’ll be a dream come true for me and nobody can prevent it from happening because it was all on me and nobody else!