Blog Post 235
Just Tell Me How Much You Hate Me
I get it you’re the one who made it out alive while I got left behind to die but please don’t leave without telling me how much of a burden I was to you! I just hope one day that I’ll be able to forgive myself for having you walk into my life knowing it was never meant to be! I should’ve been left alone and never had my picture on the internet at such a young age, to begin with! I was given up for a reason and you were just another example of why I needed to be left alone! I wasn’t meant to be in this world but yet still managed to survive all this time! I kept getting sucked into the depths of hell just to look over the edge and see what could’ve been if I had just been left alone! I keep hoping that I’ll face my demons one day so I can have it all end but life won’t allow it!
I keep making my way closer and closer to the gates of hell in my dreams just to get cast aside as if I made a wrong turn or something! I keep wishing that I could have been born into another life because this life was no good, to begin with! It was hell from the moment I was conceived! I should’ve been a plan b type shit and it would’ve saved everyone so much time! I hate the thought of waking up and being a burden to those around me! I have no goals and I have no purpose in life! I’m just going day by day and seeing what can happen just to find out it’s all for the rush and nothing more! The drugs are all I care about now and nothing else matters! The drugs are the only thing that makes me feel like I’m burning alive in hell! My love for drugs boiling through my veins making me do whatever I please! Nothing holds me back from getting the things I want to be done. So please don’t take that away from me!
I know how much I don’t mean to you and I’m totally cool with that. For the past 18 years of my life all the love you showed it was fake and it’s cool that you ended up showing me, fake love. Maybe that’s the reason why I get bored and so uninterested in others so I respect you for that! But don’t sit here and tell me how much you care about me and my well being knowing you only cared about me so you could use me! I thought I was doing the right thing, because you were considered the mom but honestly, you were never my mother, to begin with! You were just someone I had to learn how to avoid the pain and let shit be for what it was! I never showed any sort of attachment or emotion when it came to you and when I did you would just simply put me down or yell for no reason and I think that’s why I ended up holding everything good or bad that has ever happened to me and just buried it inside of me. I knew me bringing things up would have just pissed you off no matter the situation!
I didn’t care to talk to you or let you check up on the things I was doing because you wouldn’t have cared! You were just making your way to find out if it was a good time to use me or not and honestly none of the times you needed me were worth my time or energy unless I was getting paid $50 or higher! I stopped doing everything after you dropped the prices and said no! I left you to figure it out on your own and never bothered to look at you! I no longer see the point of being in contact with you since all you ever made me feel was a slave laborer. I never really connected with you on a mother & son type level! It was just business and nothing else! It was so annoying for me because all I was doing was just doing you favors while getting paid and when you tried talking to me I would just shut down because I didn’t understand the point in talking to you! You hated me for so long that now you’re wanting to play and act like the nice guy? Yeah, it’s still a fuck you and it will remain that way until one of us dies! I’m sick of the mind games and brides just to have shit be done and fine between us!
I just really wish you were never the one I had to call mom and someone who had called me their son! I made you call me by name the moment I turned 16 so you’d realize I was never meant to be your son or cared to be associated as one to you! I was on my own and doing things my way at the age of 16 and you hated that for me because I was no longer needing you! My independent mindset, lifestyle, and doings were the root cause of you hating me and I never understood that! Why did you hate your own son at the time because he wanted nothing to do with you?! Most parents would have never seen a problem with that but you did and it just pissed me off because how the hell was I supposed to be on my own when you weren’t allowing it?! You talked about and threatened to have me be out of the house anyways so why did you switch up all of a sudden when I moved out?? I lived with friends and ended up finally getting my own place just for you to hate me!
You’re such a 2 faced bitch!! I can’t stand the shit you do and tell me! Just leave me alone from now on and go find another child on the internet to fuck up! Stop using me as an excuse and mentioning me everywhere you go to make yourself look like you care about me! You only care about the attention you get when you bring up my name because you already know the effect I have on people! So just fucking stop with the publicity stunts! I’m done being part of your family and you! I hope I never have to see your face ever again! I’m tired of all the lies I have to tell just to make everything seem so great and wonderful knowing it’s a living hell being associated with you! Just fuck off for fuck sake is all my going to say! I hope you end up reading this one day and see how much of a killer you were to me! All that pain and suffering was because of you! Not the drugs or alcohol! I only went to those things because it was numbing the pain you were giving me!! It was never about finding a way out! I just wanted to not feel the pain you were causing day and night!