Blog Post 239

Falling For a Stranger

I know that this might seem off but it's whatever because the way we met and just bonded over the smallest shit just felt so right. I got in your car just for you to drive me out of town thinking I'd never look back on it. But here I am looking back on all the times we had and all the things we talked about wishing I could go back to it. I never even got your name til the second time we met which was me pulling up at your place and staying over for the weekend thinking it was meant to last at the time. You took care of me and I took care of you. You let me be myself and didn't care about all the things that happened to me to make me who I am today. You only cared about my mental state of mind and that was the best feeling I ever felt in a long time and probably the only thing I felt at the time, to be honest. Noting felt more calming to me than knowing I had someone who cared about me the way you did.

I know I took my time and probably made it look like it was going nowhere but I had self-doubt and ended up self-sabotaging every friendship/relationship I ever had with someone so I just kept my distance and acted as if I didn't care and shit knowing damn well I wanted to care and be true with how I was doing and feeling with you. But part of me didn't see the point of it until we ended up doing the things we did on a regular and I soon realized I could open up and trust you with my deepest thoughts and secrets and I think that's why it was so easy for me to just be around you and never have to second guess my doings around you. It was just all too easy being around you and having you around me all the time was something I didn't care to let go of. I let you into my life on day 15 just to have you be around me for what felt like a lifetime but it's only been 3 years & 5 months.

I had my moments and months where I didn't talk to you or see you and I blame myself because at the time I was uncomfortable and drained from always being around you and it wasn't because you were doing anything wrong or annoying. It was new to me; I felt like I was being a bother in some situations and needed to learn how to adjust to it. I'm not used to having people around me or me being around others for long periods of time. So when you'd come over and spend the nights I'd get overwhelmed and go for drives or just let you drive so I could clear my head and just relax from all the overthinking I was causing myself to have. It wasn't because I was frustrated with you or hated you I was just frustrated with myself and I hated myself for having you see me that way. I wasn't looking for help or anything I just wanted to be normal around you and honestly, you're the first one who's ever managed to do that and I thank you for that!

I understand I still get in moments where I feel like I'm a bother or just overanalyzing shit that has no meaning behind it due to my trauma and past situationships that were no good for me. I'm never too sure about how to go about asking you for things so I sit back and just let you ask and I'll respond because I feel like me asking questions will just piss you off so I don't do it and I know that's not the case with you but it's just how I am and I hate it! If I could stop it I would but then I'll think of some other fucked up scenario and it'll just be a repeated cycle with no end. So I continue to sit back, watch it all go down, and let you take the lead. I'm fine putting in my two cents worth but after that, it's up to you on what you want to do because I'm well aware of what want and need from you so if you can't understand it then just do what you always do which is you usually asking me and I just tell you.

It's just I never thought something like this could last this long with someone like me. I always thought it would just be something for a season and I'd move on and find someone else but you got a hold of me and haven't let go since then and I really appreciate that. It helps me understand that maybe I can trust and end up loving someone instead of just me leading one on and forgetting about their existence as a coping mechanism to not getting attached and saving myself from all the pain and trauma. So I guess I should be thanking you for letting me see another side of what should be and what's to come in the near future for me. But overall I'm just glad I met you because you're the only one who can manage to pull me out of my darkest moments and I'll never be able to thank you enough for doing so!