Blog Post 240

Didn't Look Back

I get that I’m hard to please and make it even harder for others to get my attention but god damn the moment you walked in with your black dress and high heels that was the night everything changed! You had me doing things I’d never do, got me holding the door, drooling on the floor making things right all for you! I couldn’t even help myself but say please and thank you all because you got my attention! I wanted to talk to you all night long and see what could be!  But I knew I couldn’t fall in love because the way the night was going it was all for show and I couldn’t help but stop myself from wasting your time!

It felt as if it was just you and I alone in the middle of the dance floor having a good time thinking nothing of it. But eventually, it all changed as it normally does! We exchanged contact info and I ended up saying goodbye and you did the same just to end up looking at me as if we'd see one another again knowing I'll never have another moment with you again. I walked away that night hoping the best for you to find out you went and hung out with someone new. 

But I couldn't feel any sort of way due to it just being a one-time thing. So I let it be for what it was until you approached me for a second time asking how I was, knowing there wasn't much to go on about. I didn't think too much of it due to you being with someone new thinking it was just a dance and nothing more between us two, but you asked if I was free later in the week just to see if we could do it one more time and see if the sparks would fly. But I declined and said I was busy all week long being out of town, which I was so it was hard knowing I had let you down thinking we couldn't give it a second shot.

I wanted to chase after you and tell you how I felt but I knew it would have been too soon so I let you walk away and didn't bother looking back. I thought by leaving it all behind that the pain wouldn't take its toll on me and things would remain how they were. I wanted to reach out and ask if you were okay with me declining your offer and tried to reschedule for another time but I never got a reply back from you. So I figured things were over between us two and let you go about your life as if you were never a part of mine. I ended up doing what I did best but still thought of you through the fading memories. I wanted to find a way to talk to you once again but I knew if I had reached out it would have made me seem impatient or needy and that's not what I was going for. I just wanted to show that I still cared and wanted you around even though the timing wasn't on our side in the beginning. 

It's just one of those things in life where things happen unexpectedly and you have to figure out if it's worth the chase or not. I wanted to see you one more time just to make you understand that I wasn't planning on going anywhere after my trip but I felt like it was already too late for any sort of explanation. So I ended up getting lost in my thoughts and ended up numbing all the things I felt for you at the time just so I could focus on my own doings and ended up closing the chapter of me ever meeting you. It wasn't the easiest decision to make but I just only cared about what was best for you at the time and I wanted to make sure that I didn't cause any sort of pain for you, so I did what anyone would do that cares for someone but knows the timing was wrong and maybe things would be better off it just ended.

In my head, it felt like it was the right decision but my head is so fucked up from all the trauma that you made me realize that was the worst decision ever. You blew up my phone with voicemails asking if I was okay and if we could talk not knowing what just happened. I thought it was over for us but you just made it seem like I was overreacting so you told me to come over, so I showed up at your house prior to reading your text not knowing you'd be crying in my arms asking if you did something wrong. I was caught off guard and had to tell you that it wasn't anything that you did or said, It was just I didn't want to hurt you or cause you any sort of pain so I walked away and left so things could be well and good for you like they used to before you met me because part of me knew that if you had stayed it would have been draining and overwhelming and I just didn't want my doing to affect you. You stopped crying and looked at me as if what I had just said was a joke and asked if I was being for real and I ended up saying yeah, and you just looked at me as if what I had said was out of pocket.

I apologized for putting you first thinking you didn't deserve to be around or with me. Not knowing you liked me at the time the way that you did. I wasn't sure about myself and if me being around you would be a good idea so I walked away. I just didn't want to put you in uncomfortable situations and have you ask questions. If I had known you liked me the way that you did at the time I would have gone about it a different way but I thought it was just a one-time thing so the feelings weren't exactly in the mix of my doings so it was all just me doing what I thought needed to be done. But I can see now that I should've gone to you and talked it out instead of just assuming that you'd want nothing to do with me. I guess it just comes from always feeling like a waste of time and a burden to others that I said my goodbyes to you and didn't care to look back at anything.