Blog Post 241

Update 2.0

Don’t get me wrong but me going ghost and back to where I feel safe is nothing like how I expected it to be! I’m better off in this environment even though I still have self-doubts about certain things from my past! I don’t bother reaching out or acknowledging anyone anymore just because I don’t wanna risk losing what I have now! I don’t care to be seen or heard from! Yeah, I’m still active here and there on socials but nothing too major! I took a break from photos just so I can focus on my actual work and with the holidays coming up I’m actually having to get some hours in so that’s cool! I’m making plans on purchasing another camera lens for my setup. Thinking of either getting the Sony G 24-105m or just the Sony 24-240m but I’m probably gonna go ahead and pull the trigger sometime within the next week or so and just get the 24-240 since it basically fits all my needs and I’ll never have to swap out or take the lens off my camera unless of course I have dust or just need a sensor cleaning! 

I just feel better off nowadays knowing I’m not associating with anyone other than just my coworkers and a few family members here and there! I know something like this is hard to understand as to why I would isolate and keep away from others but it’s just so I don’t get in the way or feel like a bother to others! The less I associate with others the better off I feel! I’m calmer and more relaxed about all the shit that goes on nowadays! It’s in my full control and I’m no longer stressing over shit that has no meaning to me! I’m just putting my focus on other things such as my sites and personal matters at this point! I don’t care if you’re mad at me or got an issue with me! That shit has nothing to do with me cause my feelings aren’t mutual as to whatever you got going on so go complain to somebody else who might give a fuck or two!

It’s just I’m no longer really in the mix of any sort of doings or friend groups any more! I cut myself from all that shit and just became independent and isolated from all the things that I was once involved with! I just got bored and simply saw no need for it! I found other things to keep myself busy and entertained that I no longer crave the need for others to be present or around me! I feel just fine being on my own now! I was thinking I’d never find myself back to the isolation but since I’m so used to it, I guess it just found me instead and I accepted it! I hate the thought of having to entertain others when I can barely entertain myself for long periods of time! All I wanna do is sleep from all the work and constant pressure I’m putting on myself with my work! Making sure it’s all correct and picture-perfect! I don’t care to make mistakes even though mistakes will always be a part of life! But god damn I just wanna have a day where nothing goes wrong! I don’t know maybe I’m just overthinking and overdoing it so it’s taking a toll on me! But I enjoy the process which is weird! I don’t mind it so I guess it is what it is!

It’s just I’m so fixated on my sites and taking photos as much as I can but at the same time I lose track of time and it just gets to be too much sometimes! I get my days confused and end up leaving town forgetting I got a day or two left at work! I guess I’ve just gotten a bit too ahead of myself and the things I’m capable of doing certain things just get left behind! I’m not saying I’m doing it on purpose it’s just the timing is not relevant to me right now it feels like! I’m constantly on the go nowadays and I feel like there’s no time to rest! I just wanna get my check and get to the next location! I’m so quick to get the shot and make sure the photos turn out to my liking that I forget that there are other things that need to be done! 

I ended up leaving my past behind me all too fast so I can focus on myself and have a better schedule but sometimes I end up going back just to see if things could have been different only to realize I can’t go back and I just need to keep on pushing forward! I like the idea of certain things I once had but I know I’ll never care enough to have it be how it once was! It was just a seasonal thing and the seasons are constantly changing and I just have to get a move on! I’m done being in the way of others and looking back at the things that once made me happy! It was all just a distraction so I wouldn’t be overworked and busy! But I can see that me being busy and putting all my time and energy into my work and sites that I really have no need for others to be in my life! Unless I wanna get a rush of some sort but I’m done with the drugs and socializing just to not feel so numb! I’m better off being busy than doing drugs just to numb the pain!

So yeah, with that being said! I’m good! I’m safe (for the most part) and knowing I’m no longer a bother or in the way of others is so peaceful to me! Cause how can I be a bother or in the way when nobody has seen or heard from me in over 3 weeks? Like I’m pretty sure at that point people start to forget that person (me) ever even existed/is even around! Which is music to my ears! The less presence I have to others the better for my mental health and life doings in general!