Blog Post 244

For You Only

Not sure where to begin when it comes to you. I get that we never seem to catch a break when it comes to us being together or the fact that the chemistry is there but we're both too scared to acknowledge it. I guess the look in our eyes means one thing but the actions and timing mean something else. I get that we're slowly drifting apart and maybe that's what's best for us but before we drift our separate ways completely, there's something you should know because I don't think I'll have it in me to say it to your face. 

I've been hiding and avoiding you for quite some time now due to a few factors. I'm trying my best to give you your space and not feel the need to disturb you. I keep wishing that I'd run into you just to see how better off you are without me so I can erase you from my life completely but I've been avoiding the need to be around you so things can be civil and at peace between us two. I don't know if I'm making sense or if this is even making sense in general. But I'm just trying to basically say that I don't think I'm ever going to be around in your life. I'm starting to part ways with you and all the mutuals between us two. I'm doing my best to not get attached or be a bother / a disturbance to you and your life. I'm doing all that I can to stay busy and out of your way.

I'm casually making mental notes about you being a stranger now so there's no need for me to reach out or acknowledge you when out in the public eye. I'm doing my best to get a grip of never knowing you but it's so damn hard because you were the one who could make me laugh and open up at first glance and I enjoyed every second with you hoping that there would be more days to come where I could see you and just talk to you about anything and everything you wanted. It just sucks and mentally draining to have to erase something that was once worth the wait and time.

I'm not sure when you'll get to see me but if anything I don't think it'll ever be in this life. I think it's too late for us to reconnect and consider ourselves as friends or guests in each other's lives. It just seems like no matter how hard we try to fix things between us two things tend to get the worst of us and I'm not trying to go back and forth with you anymore. I want the best for you and it looks like the only way that can happen is if I just disappear completely and let you live your life without me getting in the way. I know you probably must hate me for walking away and not giving you the full details as to why but it would have just made it seem like I was asking for something you weren't giving and that's not what I was going for when it came to me ending things.

I'm constantly going back and forth with myself on how to be there for those I care about and those that mean the most to me but for some reason, it ends up being a waste of time and I blame myself for always having to self-sabotage all the good in my life. I guess it comes from always being alone and doing things as I see fit. I understand that me being around you was never meant to be permanent or a long-lasting doing but something to just make me understand how things should be with the one I love. So thank you for giving me a chance and showing me the way but now I must apologize for all the damage I've caused and the pain I put you through. I know my doings were never intentional or on purpose but they did happen and that's why I must leave you now because the thought of me hurting you hurts me and I just can't go through another painful lesson again.

I just hope one day I can be the version you wanted and just make you proud and go from there. I just don't want you to ever feel like it was your fault. It's just certain things and situations aren't worth my time or wait. So I'm sorry if I didn't see another way to solve the issues that we had. I just thought that by me ending things and disappearing that things would get back on track for you while I suffered in silence and smiled from a distance. It was never to make you think I hated you or you were the cause of my doings. It was just me preventing myself from hurting you. That's really it! So I'm sorry once again for all the confusion that I had caused between the two of us!