Blog Post 245
I Can't Deny It
Not sure where to begin but I’ll just go ahead and let it be known so that hopefully one day I can get an idea as to what it was I was feeling when it came to you! I get that we’re in different states & different parts of our lives but the way the that I see you it’s more than a friend but also someone I can’t get close to! I care a lot about you but I don’t wanna end up hurting you or myself so I keep it cool and calm when it comes to you! I’m scared that I’ll have to face you and you’re gonna hate me for expressing my true feelings for you even though it’s pretty obvious that I care a lot about you and want the best for you! But I feel like I don’t show you or you think it’s just for show, but it’s really not! It’s just me being cautious and worried about you and how things can go down if it’s not done correctly or timed out right! I somehow managed to fall for you in ways I can’t deny or describe and it’s really put me at a standstill because I know things will never technically be how they should be for us but it’s just a feeling that I have when it comes to you that makes me feel like things are good and well for us! Not once have you made me overthink or cared to give me a second thought about this and that! It’s just vibes and worry-free interactions!
I just wish I knew why it had to be you out of all people?! I’m not saying I don’t like the thought of you it’s just we became really close over time and I’m not sure if it’s a sign of hope for things to go well or a sign of things to go like before and end in a mess! I’m doing all that I can to give you your space and myself time to not get so attached to you but I think I’m failing in the not getting attached to you department! Yeah, I’m having conversations with you throughout the day on a daily but then I go completely numb and back to being neutral so I don’t seem so needy or just in your way and a bother! I know you probably get weirded out by that but it’s only because I don’t wanna overstep/cross the line with you! I want you around me more than you’ll ever know but it’ll never be because I get carried away with other tasks and never see the need to be around you because I’ll just feel like I’m in the way or simply put not wanted! But that’s just me thinking of the worst and it’s only because of how my past situations ended up and it was really hard on me!
I want to be there for you as much as I can but I don’t wanna be annoying or a constant nag/hassle with you! I just wish I could explain it to you in a better form factor but I’d have to do it in person so you can get the visual aspect of it as to why I feel like we wouldn’t work out! Not saying we can’t I’m just saying for someone like myself who enjoys the independent and isolated lifestyle I just think staying friends and just being there for one another would be a lot less stressful and easier instead of making us be something more than what we can handle! I like you, yes but I just don’t think you’re meant to be in my life like that!
Yeah, we talk nonstop late at night and do it all over the next day but overall I think it’s just because we know each other's form of communication and how to get each other’s attention without making it so obvious! You make me happy and excited but I can’t help but also worry about you and your needs! I don’t ask many questions because I can already tell when something is up with you so I just sit back and let you cool off and do what you feel is necessary and just go from there! I don’t bother overthinking and overreacting to you being M.I.A for hours cause I already know you’re just busy with work stuff so it’s no big deal because you end up texting me before you go to bed anyways and I really appreciate it because it lets me know you’re okay and things are still good between us two! It’s just small things like that I enjoy seeing and knowing when it comes to you and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it!
I just have to learn how to not get so attached and protective over things that are out of my reach! Not saying I’m letting go and cutting ties with you, I’m just saying I shouldn’t get so frustrated with things like you not being around me or me being around you when needing someone to be there! I like being able to freely talk to you whenever but sometimes I just get overstimulated and say some shit that had no point or meaning which is just reckless on my part and that’s when I become very nonchalant, neutral & uninterested in the topic/conversation because I felt as if I had already said too much so there’s no need to talk about it! But you on the other hand will ask more details about it and I just end up switching out the conversation for another topic because I’m not trying to bring up some shit that might have upset you, and I understand some things do need an explanation as to why it was brought up but it was primarily only brought up because I ended up overthinking about something that was never relevant, to begin with, but I made it be relevant so it’s on me!
I just feel like I’m at a stage in my life where meeting new people is unnecessary and pointless! I have you and 4 others that I enjoy being around but you’re like the main person I wanna be with and I don’t think that feeling/thought will ever change! I don’t know how to explain it! Yeah, we might have our ups and downs but overall it’s you I see myself being with. Nobody else really gets my attention like you do! Not saying others haven’t tried it’s just they tried and they failed but when it came/comes to you it’s never a miss! Just one look at you and I’m trying to figure out how good you’d look next to me! But yeah, other than all that being processed and said I just don’t know how I’m supposed to make us work / what the future holds for us! I just really like having you in my life even though we hardly ever get to see each other face to face and when we do it’s as if time stands still and it’s just the two of us!