Blog Post 247
Better off as Strangers
I never understood how you couldn’t feel anything at all when you left me hurting and didn’t care to ask why! I guess me hiding the pain made it seem like everything was fine between the two of us. But it really wasn’t! I was confused as to why things ended when you were the only one I ever thought about! Nobody else came between the thought of you and the way I let it consume me was my fault. I thought that by making time and clearing out my schedule just for you, you would realize that I’ll always have time for you. But turns out it was such a waste of time! You didn’t care about the things we did or talked about! You just wanted to take and take and I let it happen because I was blinded by the look in your eyes! I guess it’s just the way things go and I ended up falling for it! Silly me thinking things could work between the two of us! What a waste of thought that was! Besides, who am I kidding I should’ve seen it sooner the way you kept denying the smallest things! Shit, you played me from the start and I ended up letting it happen!
I let you break me into a million pieces day by day just so you could be happy! I never cared about the trauma or the pain I was dealing with because it just felt like part of life! So I ignored it and didn’t think twice about it! I let the assaults happen and draining thoughts consume me into a depression and still managed to feel fine with a smile on my face every time you were around! I didn’t show any sort of concern or failure on my part because I wasn’t trying to have you walk away or leave due to my attachment issues! But now that I’m free and looking back on everything that happened it was you who was the bad guy! I never really expected it because I was so blinded by the heart wanting what it wanted but knowing now what I know you’re trashed and you were never supposed to be involved with me! I wish I knew how you even managed to get around me because I hate meeting new people and I keep a tight circle with those I associate with so, however, you got in you need to find your way back out because I can’t keep doing this!
I admit I caught feelings but they were the wrong feelings! I was draining myself constantly from not knowing how to manage the feelings I was having! I kept trying to numb the pain away as if the feelings would die and I could move on and go back to never knowing you! But it just wasn’t happening! Usually, it’s not that hard for me! But for some reason, the feelings ended up staying even years after us fighting. I guess there was something my body & brain was trying to tell me that I wasn’t understanding but whatever it was I’m glad I tried to make things work for a second time just to see if it was me or you that had the issues and it turns out we both do! Mine comes from early age trauma I had to go through and dealing with you just made it worse for me and your part was you just not being consistent and honest with me which was hard for me! I thought that if someone cared about being with someone then shouldn’t they at least show it? But you never showed it so I knew it was all just for show and not actually real!
It just sucks I was put into that position at the age that I was and I ended up trying to get it right years later for it to just come crashing down on me once again! I thought I did all my research and everything right when it came to you but it just wasn’t enough apparently so I had to come to terms with us never being friends as long as we live! The chemistry is there but it’s toxic and I wish it wasn’t but it is and there’s no way around it unless we face each other and I just can’t bear to look at you anymore without feeling like dying. So please don’t bother saying sorry or trying to apologize for anything that had happened! Everything I went through with you is put to the side to be deleted and erased from my life and memories! So don’t think I’ll have any knowledge of what we had because it was never anything worth sticking around for. It was all for show like you said! Nothing more nothing less so let’s just keep it what it was and move on from it all like we should have when I first walked away!