Blog Post 249

Ended Up Being Someone Else

All jokes aside it wasn't that hard to talk to you. Yeah, I had to watch what was being said and done but overall opening up to you was a lot easier than I expected it to be. I guess it just comes from always feeling like an outcast so I don't tend to open up as much or at all really. Unless it's got some sort of meaning or relevance to what's happening around me that I didn't appreciate or made me feel some type of way. But so far so good. I have zero complaints about us being friends and taking it slow. I just wish we could link up and vibe in person. I get that you have your own life and I have mine and I try my best to not ask questions or get in the way of your doings, but sometimes I just really wanna ask a question about this and that and just talk. But I know that will never happen, at least not right now. I don't think it's safe to ask questions about anything that's going on in your life because I'm not trying to overplay my part and overstep any sort of boundaries when it comes to you. I'm not sure what kind of boundaries you have set and I'm not even sure if there even are any between the two of us, but I know for sure I'm not trying to upset you or show any kind of disrespect when it comes to you. That's the last thing I'd ever want to do when it comes to you. I might ask how you're doing and if you reply with not well or don't care to talk about it I'll simply just leave it alone because I feel like it's not my place to be/have a say in the situation that's happening for you. I might give my opinion but that's only if you ask other than that I'll be doing my best to just let you do you.

I get you might think I don't care about anything that goes on between the two of us due to the way I handle shit or just simply avoid certain things that are happening, but it's not like that. I care I just have to figure out why I care. It doesn't help you any if I show my nonchalant ways when all you're doing is helping me be a better me. So me being distant and antisocial is not the best decision as of right now. I'm just trying to build a connection with you without overstepping any sort of boundaries. I want things to go well between us two but I get to overthinking about certain words and responses because I'm not sure if you'll understand the sarcasm behind them. I tend to hide/mask the pain I have through sarcasm and jokes and you're probably well aware of this by now. But sometimes I feel like I overdo it but it's only so you can understand the trauma and pain I hold/have. It's not for show or anything I'm proud of it just makes it easier for me to communicate with you. I may shut down and act as if everything is fine and go back to being myself again but then I'll disappear for months just to recharge my social skills. Not saying you're draining or anything. It's just how I operate and I apologize in advance for not letting you know about the way I operated beforehand. I just didn't want you to think it had something to do with you. It's just something I do so I don't get overstimulated and burned out at the same time. So I end up having to take breaks from everyone around me regardless of who they are and what they need.

I think me connecting with you through the online world and somewhat in the physical world helped me learn how to not be so angry and just let go of shit that no longer has meaning to me. I think me being friends with you helped me a lot even though I never talk about it. I may give out hints and do certain gestures but overall, I remain very neutral towards it all because I'm afraid if I express my true intentions and feelings our friendship could end. So I just sit back and act normal and distance myself from unwanted attention and actions. I tend to keep all my attention on you and hope for the best. I hope one day you'll see that I was never in it to be another stand-by or a waste of time/space for you. I just genuinely care about you and I know I have a hard time showing it because I'm afraid of being let down. Not saying I'm seeing any sort of fault in you I'm just saying in general from things that happened in my past it's just a given that eventually something bad will happen and I have to keep an eye out and walk away when the time comes. But for now, I'll continue to do me and let you, do you. I'm still trying to figure out the chemistry between the two of us but there's not much to go off of other than us being cool with one another and keeping a close watch on what we say. There's never a dull moment between the two of us so I think the friendship we have is meant to be unless proven otherwise which has been hard to seek.