Blog Post 251

Fuck the Favors

It's not that I'm upset or angry at anyone or the things around me, I'm just done dealing with it all. I have zero motivation to be doing all the things I used to do. I don't care to talk or socialize just for the heck of it. I’d rather be isolated and away from others and just keep to myself without having to get in the way of others and the things they do. I don't care to hear what's on your mind or anything relating to your personal life. I just need you to do you and keep your distance from me because I promise you I won't hesitate to tell you to fuck off the moment you approach me.

I'm done being associated with those I once was. I don't care to keep tabs or care to see how anyone is doing because at this point it's none of my business. It's their life not mine so why bother being in their business for? It doesn't concern me or benefit me in any way so I just don't care to even talk to them. I've been finding it hard to trust and open up to others this past year and it's primarily my fault for giving my time and energy to those who shouldn't have deserved it. But it's whatever because it just showed me more reasons as to why I should never bother being comfortable with others in the first place. People miss treat you and use you for there own needs and I ended up falling for it all because I let my emotions get the best of me and let the old me come out when it should've just stayed in the depths of hell where it's safer.

I hate that I feel like I'll never come to terms with trusting others and giving it my all with someone I care about. I just feel like those things don't mix well in my current life. Feels like its all just a gamble and it's a lose, lose situation every time. The only ones coming out on top are the users and abusers and it's fine because they prefer to play the game the with the thought of being selfish and not caring but for someone like me I be wanting to cause damage every time.  I don't know why it comes out to me always wanting to cause damage to those who did me wrong when all I was doing was being there for them when needed.

I didn't care to overstep or overplay my part when it came to these people because at the end of the day it was just me finding a way to exploit them making it seem like I was really on there side when eventually I was going to just get up and leave and forget about their whole existence. It was just something for me to look forward to and not be so isolated with my own thoughts. I needed the high and stimulations from others so I wouldn't dissociate and be depressed from everything that was happening behind closed doors. I was willing make things work and shit but deep down inside I knew it had to end and simply just move on as if it was never a thing to begin with.

I didn't care who's feelings I hurt or how it ended. I just wanted to simply disappear from there world and go back to my own and learn how to go back to the isolation that I was once so familiar with. Being around others was just a rush of anxiety that I was constantly trying to suppress and avoid from others. I was forcing myself to be more extroverted and got so sick of being it that I lost myself in the process of being something that I wasn't just to please those I was around on a daily. I hated every second of it. It felt like there was nowhere to go and recharge my social skills / life. It was a constant go and never stop and relax. There was always something happening and I was getting annoyed more quicker with it all just from not being able to escape the social life that I was surrounded by. It was a constant battle of staying and just simply wanting to leave. 

I'm at point where I hate interacting with others and being out when others are out. I hate the thought of being at work having to deal with people thinking they're going to get the nicer version of myself when deep down inside I'm pretty sure that part of me is long gone. I have zero motivation to act like I care or end up being the life of the party when I'm high key just drained and want to be 6ft under. I don't care about small talk or just talking in general. Don't bothering trying to get my attentions cause I'll just end up ignoring you and walk away from you. I don't care if I have rude behavior or simply put just an ass to others. I've been doing shit just to please others for a while now and I'm just tired of it.

I hate the thought of having to go out of my way just to make sure someone is pleased about this and that when I'm basically killing myself making sure they're satisfied. But it's whatever cause I'm no longer in a position where I have to make sure others are satisfied and happy. I just only care about my own needs once again so whatever goes on from here on out it'll most likely be towards me because I see no use for others once again. So if you want something from me you might as well get a ticket and wait in line because it's gonna be a while before you get a chance to speak to me direclty.