Blog Post 252

It No Longer Exist

I understand that certain situations can't be controlled or dealt with in a timely manner. But the ones that can don't really pertain to me anymore. I've got people to handle that shit for me. Yeah they might need details and examples of what's to come but overall I trust them to handle it and have it be done and not be a bother to me. Things come and go but I choose to ignore it at all cost. I'm done with having things exist / be easy access for me. If anything everything that was once easy access for me is no longer a given to me. It's either in the hands of someone else or simply just gone now. I don't care to seek out anything or anyone anymore. I'm staying calm and letting things come to me when they want and keeping out the way with just about everything that's been going on lately. I don't know when I'll be able to fully reconnect with everyone I once knew but for now I'm taking it easy and enjoying the solitude of my own comfort.

I'm not saying I don't care about anyone that I used to have previous associations with. I'm just saying that I feel like me withdrawing from there life made it easier for me to figure out what made happy. I enjoy being alone but also being able to see those I care about regardless if they're an ex or simply just someone I had a falling out with. I missing being able to laugh and open up to those I trusted but at the same time got bored of having to explain myself so it was just a constant battle of being honest but also not being a burden and a bother to those around me. I miss the socializing and just being able to hang out with whoever whenever but at the same time it felt lonely even when I was in a room full of people. It never made sense to me how I felt so alone yet surrounded by so many who knew me. I guess it just comes from only letting them see what I let them instead of what I really am so they wont't judge or ask me questions about this and that.

I keep to myself most of time to avoid conflict and questions only to find out it makes me seem like a know it all and just stuck up when that's not the case. I just don't wanna bother anyone with my questions or simply put bother anyone in general. I don't like to feel like I'm doing too much or not enough when it comes to socializing let alone being with someone I care about. Yeah I might engage in a conversation but overall I'm trying my best to just see if you're worth my time to be engaged in this conversation or if this is just another waste of time. It's never easy for me to socialize with new and old friends due to my overthinking and over analyzing just about everything that goes on in the room and life in general. I'm always the first one to cut ties with people so I'm not stuck second guessing if I made a mistake or if there was something that was said / done that upset them to tun on me. I like to keep things civil as much as possible but sometimes it's hard for me because I overthink the smallest change/inconvenience in people. 

I wish I could explain how much I care about certain people around me but at the end of the day I feel like they'll just see me as an attention seeker or some strange outcast who has no meaning. I don't know I just like keeping my social and private life at a minimum. I enjoy being socially active but at the same time I hate the questions that are being asked most of the time and I understand that's part of the socializing game but sometimes I feel like certain questions shouldn't even be asked / thought of. Yeah I understand if people around me are dunk and they tend to say some stupid shit but overall it's not going to have any meaning behind it unless someone makes it out to be something. I just let things flow and if they end up flowing in the wrong direction then I simply just ignore it and move on as if it never existed. I hate the drama and being around people who cause it. So yeah I tend to give off the anti-social and quiet vibe every time I'm around others but it's only because I don't wanna fuck up and say the wrong thing because half the time I'll tell it how it is / I feel and let it sink in cause I hate sugar coating shit with people who don't know me.

I guess it just comes from being around people who disrespect others when that person isn't even doing anything but living life and simply just minding their business. They're not focused on the negatives or care to give there two cents to a person who they don't see worthy of their time. I just wish people would get there heads out of there ass and simply just move on from others. They don't look your way? Cool don't bother acknowledging their existence. You didn't get a text back? Simply delete their number. Stop hating and simply just move on. You're making shit be out thin air and for what? Just to have others see them for what they aren't? That's weird on your part and you need to go see a therapist or something cause it's giving very much nobody ever paid attention to me so I'm bout to start some shit just so people can ask me about it vibes.