Blog Post 253

You Were Just Too Good for Me

It's crazy how we went from being strangers to friends and back to strangers as if the things we did and talked about meant nothing to one another. I thought by just letting things be casual and easy flowing with no strings attached that the feelings were just going to remain irrelevant for the time being. But I was wrong and I wish I had known sooner that you felt towards me was more than I had realized and I apologize for not seeing the signs sooner. 

I never meant to have you think I was leading you on or making it seem like I wanted more than what we already had/were. I thought that by being able to open up and letting you be close by that the friendship would be easier for the both of us but little did I know you were making it out to be something more than I had hoped. I didn't mean for it to look like I was leading you on or make it seem like you weren't worthy of my time. I just get lost when it comes to having people see me as more than a friend or wanting something more than a friendship.

 I tend to withdraw and just simply disappear from it all. I don't mean to do it, it's just a coping mechanism for me so I don't get hurt in the process and that other person who's involved. I just feel like it's safer for the both of us if we just stay as friends even though you make it very obvious that you're done wanting to be a friend of mine and are looking for something more and unfortunately I’m in no position to offer that part of me to you! I only wish we had met sooner so we could have had more time to talk and hang out as friends and just live life as we pleased.

Just the thought of you makes me happy and you being right there to help me with whatever breakdown I was going through and the pain I was facing at the time you helped me through it all and it hurts knowing I'll never be able to give back the way you did. For some reason talking to you felt so easy and not forced. If we had nothing to talk about we would just stare at each other until we laughed and when we laughed we chilled and when we chilled we knew it was meant to be. 

But then one day it all faded away and I didn't know why. I thought it was because of my busy schedule but I was there on the phone waiting replying back every second that I had to make sure you were well and doing okay. I didn't care to sleep or bother having my phone on silent because I knew if I had missed a call it would have made it look like I was done with you and that wasn't my goal or intention. I had made sure you were my top priority from start to end and I might have over did it a tad bit but I never once double-sent anything to get your attention or cared to ask any unwanted questions to get a stupid-ass answer from you.

I didn't know what to say or do half the time when it came to you because half the time you intimidated me with your quiet ways and I kept overthinking if I had made you talk about the things that you were thinking and going through you might have seen me as being in your business and that wasn't the outcome I was going for. I just wanted to make sure you were okay and if you had wanted to talk about the things that happened in your daily life. I was just trying to be a friend to you but I guess that was something new to you.

I wanted to do the right thing every single day but it just felt like I was being a bother to you so I ended up distancing myself out of the blue so I didn't feel that way. You'd end up calling me to see where I was at and made sure we would still be able to hang out even though my schedule never did line up with yours but we still made it work every time. I wish things could have been different from start to finish but life is just one big game of chance and you either make something out of it or you bitch from the sidelines but when it came to us we made it be something more than we had hoped for.