Blog Post 254

I Never Cared to Love Anyone Else

Where do I begin other than the fact that I had to get used to the pain that others brought upon me! I got to a point where that’s all I ever wanted and only knew to exist that I became numb to any other feeling that was making its way to me! I didn’t care for love or being liked by others at that time! I was just simply drowning myself in the hatred and suffocating thoughts of never being good enough for you!  I ended up going into a state of mind where nothing I did mattered and it would simply just go unnoticed! So I did what I wanted without a second guess but when it came to you I had begun to overthink my every decision before I made it! I wanted to be the good guy for once but it’s hard when you’re surrounded in a room full of judgmental people who only know you for the bad and only talk about the bad! I had to find a way out of that environment but the only way out was with you and I just wasn’t in the right head space to commit to you! 

But for some odd reason I managed to by pass all the things I was being told to do and say just to realize that it’s not me! I want be able to give you the love you that you deserve but I knew that I wouldn’t have been the one to give that to you! I ended up blocking you out and distancing myself from you for years just to see if it was meant to be or if it was just another thought that would come and go! I gained access to shit that I wasn’t supposed to have and ended up using that to my advantage only to find out I was going back to my old ways which I knew you’d hate me for! I found in and outs on certain things but it still didn’t matter at the end of the day to me because you weren’t next to me! You ended up showing me the way to your heart only for me to fuck it up at the end and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for letting that happen! I let you fall into the deep without my guidance and watched you drown like I once did! I tried to go back and undo the things I did but it was all too late and I watching it all unfold right in front of me the way that it did killed every bit of hope I had of finding love in me!

I had thoughts of pulling the trigger to end all the suffering I had caused you just for you to reach out and replay every good I ever did! But it wasn’t enough because it just made me realize how much I wanted to make things right with you even though we’ll never have the chemistry like we once did! I had to find ways of moving on knowing you would always find me in the end! I thought that if I could forget about you and the things we did that it would ease up the tension I was feeling but it only made me want you more! I wanted to be next you all hours of the day just to see your smile even when you were putting up a front as if you didn’t feel anything whenever shit came your way no matter the good or bad! We ended up thinking that being better off alone for some time would be best but we both came to the conclusion that it was never the space that was needed is was communication!

I admit opening up to you was hard because of my trust issues and thinking you would just leave after you got the best of me and leave me out for dead! So I kept myself quiet and nonchalant so things didn’t end up going south! I never had a reason to second guess the shit you did because you were way to open from the jump but when it came to the things you were feeling you became too quiet and I think that’s what made us work! We both hate explaining the things we feel and how we feel and simply just don’t care to explain / talk about the shit that’s happening and going on with us! I knew it was a match made in heaven from the jump but it just sucks it didn’t last! The only thing that lasted were the feelings that I had for you! But it’s too late to go back on the things that were said when we both know if we had wanted it we would pull the trigger and make sparks fly!