Blog Post 256

Shutting Down

So I've been quiet and out the way with just about everyone and for some reason they've been asking way too many questions about my well being. I wish they would all just stop and go about there own damn life instead of keeping tabs on mine and asking why I'm so quiet all of the sudden and why all the sudden changes to my personality and feelings. I hate having to explain shit to others because I feel like it's just a waste of time but also it's just not going to register with them. I like the isolating feeling and not having to depend on others for my own happiness and amusement. I like peace and out of the way doings. 

I don't care to be around anyone at work let alone enjoy going to work anymore. I'm starting to arrive late and leaving early because I feel like my time is served better somewhere else. Not saying I hate my job, I'm just saying that I no longer care about it like how I used to. I've been thinking of pulling the trigger and just quitting it all together and just start putting all my focus and energy into my side hustles and making money that way full time. I hate the morning shift and having to play the nice guy when all I feel is numbness and anger half the time. I hate the small talk when it comes to people. I'd rather just talk business and the quickest way to get things done but also efficiently.

I've just been feeling like shit this whole month and I tried to figure out the reasons why but I just came out empty handed. I thought I was done with all the second thoughts and overthinking about everything but here I am once again back at it. I wake up thinking it'll be the last day of my life only to repeat the same day over and over with no sign of having it end. I wish it would all just collapse in the palm of my hands so I'd have a reason to throw it all away. I've been so consumed to hate my life that nothing I do or anything good that comes my way is worth the time for me. 

I'd rather be 6ft under in the depths of hell unbothered by everyone and everything that's happening. I don't care to be social and make chit chat just to seem fine. I haven't been fine since middle school. I had to suppress my trauma and anger on a daily but there's days where I just wanna let it out and let it take control but then people will get hurt and I'll end up being the bad guy and I just can't go back to that at least not right now. Maybe another day will come where I can be my true self and just let everyone around me hate me for the real me and just call it at peace with myself. 

I'm still not sure who or what I am right now. I'm still trying to figure that out and so far I've been so many people with the same exact face and it's hard trying to be all the things others want me to be. I can't even be happy for a day without someone asking me why I'm happy. It's like whatever feeling I feel somebody wants to stop me from feeling/being that way so I just remain neutral and numb out in public so I'm not approached with questions but even then they seem to think I'm going through something so they text me "I hope you're doing well" and I just delete the text and block there number afterwards because what the fuck was that all about. I hate how people have to be involved with everything I do and feel. Like damn let me just not feel anything and live my life. I don't need to be monitored like I'm on life support or some shit. Yeah I feel like my life is a walking hell but that doesn't give you the right to keep tabs on me to make sure I don't fall off into the deep end.

I haven't cried or cared to show any side of me that has been hurt because people will treat it as a sign of weakness and something about being vulnerable in front of others just doesn't sit right with me. It feels like they only see that and think I'm asking for attention when in reality that's far from it. I hate having attention be on me anyways so the last thing I wanna do is make my pain seen and known in the public eye. I'd rather just suffer in the void of darkness and act as if my life and everything I'm going through is fine. It just makes it easier to deal with things and not have things feel so intense around me. I just wish I could dissociate once again and let things be for what they are and just avoid it at all cost. I don't wish to be seen or heard from. I only want to be a reflection of what I once was and that's it. I don't care to be the person that I am today. It's doesn't feel right nor does it really fit my aesthetic.