Blog Post 259

Forgetting to Breathe

I pray that one day when we cross paths that you'll remember my name to the point where it makes you question my existence. I hope when you're out with your friends that you'll picture me across the bar knowing it was never about me, I hope when you're out driving around that you'll see my body dead on the streets knowing it was because of you, I hope when you think of someone else that all you can see is me. I hate that I'm having to to do this but what other option do I have for you to understand that it was all of your fault from the jump. I wish you had treated me the same way as you treated your peers but I guess I was just another game to blame. I pray that one day you'll come to having peace and end up finding everything you've once lost because the way everything happened it's like I lost part of my soul when it came to you.

It doesn't matter how far I tend to go I'll always come back to where it feels safer and that was always with you but you let it all burn to ashes and now I have to find my way back to something else that has no point in return only to find out that you're asking about me. I wish I could just end it all but I can only forget about breathing. I know the longer I wait the harder I'll have to gaining control. I'm tired of living a double life when it comes to us when nothing's the same anymore. It feels like everything I once wanted with you is dead and done. I have nowhere to look for help or care to be in the known. I think it's just best if we go our separate ways and end it all.

There's been moments where I ended up feeling like I wasn't the one and just felt like shit being around you knowing that you had done nothing wrong to me. It was just the environment and setting we were in at the time that lead me to this moment of giving it all up. I lived on as if everything was fine and well between us two only to suffer in the void of emptiness when alone. I wanted to find a way back to you but it just felt like a waste of energy so I left you and the life we had known to become something you'd always hate. I thought by doing so that you would see the damages you had caused but instead you just laughed as if I meant nothing. I guess you really did mean all the shit you said but I gave you the benefit of the doubt but you just ended up proving me wrong all around and for that I need to get over it because I made the decision to put my trust in you just for you to break it.

I thought by making you out to be someone who could do no wrong it would make the bond and relationship stronger but instead it just ended up draining me and I had to forget the bad and just focus on all the good at the time. I thought the love that we had was real but it was just for show and I didn't realize it until the very end and that was my fault for not seeing the signs the moment they happened. I just wasn't ready to give up even though I had every reason to at the time. I think the thought of losing someone I cared about scared me but it only comes from me having attachment issues because I knew if I had withdrawn from it all that I would never look at you the same and I knew that you'd just be another one to hit the dirt and be forgotten. I did my best to avoid leaving but you just kept pushing me out to the point of no return.

I ended up being lost for a while telling myself that it was all my fault that I never got to see the light of day until the aftermath had finally ended for me. I ended up reaching out to you to tell you that you were no longer the issue and left it at that. I didn't care to give more details as to why I didn't call or text for the past 2 years, I just needed time to heal and process all of the damages that had happened. I spent night and day trying to piece it all together only to have it burn in front of me. It felt like part of me had died and another part was coming in to take it's place only to make me be something that I wasn't and I let it consume me to the point of hating myself. I lost control of myself that I didn't care who I was hurting at time knowing it would come back to haunt me in the end. So I exchanged my soul for the temporary peace that was left of me to find a way out and come back as someone else that nobody cared to know all thanks to you!