Blog Post 260
Just Trying to Keep It Cool
I’m not wishing us to end but I have thoughts about us ending and it just kills me knowing that things between us will eventually end and I’ll have to accept it! Knowing I did nothing wrong it’s just I don’t know what the future holds for us even though the thought of me moving on with someone else is killing me! I’m still trying to process how I’ll feel knowing I crossed your mind and made you cry! I felt like I was ready to fall in love with you but my overthinking kept telling me to hold off only to lose you in the process! I thought I could just take my time and see where we stood with one another but looks like we stood further than I had hoped for! I never meant to make you cry or do things to make you feel the way you felt! All I ever wanted was to show you the caring side of me but I guess even that wasn’t enough for someone like you! I'm going to miss all the late-night talks and just having you being my peace!
I thought I was ready for the love I keep avoiding but turns out I still need some time to get it right! I know my mistakes will always linger so I gotta watch what it is I say and do when it comes to those I love because I’m not trying to have my mistakes be a part of them! I wish things could just go easy with all the ones I love but they never do! I gotta either make it right or simply just avoid it nowadays because I have no other options left! I wish things didn’t get so complicated with them but it’s the only way and sometimes I feel like them having to forget about me is just the easiest! I’m always feeling unsure of how to feel and what to say because of all my past doing and what they ended up doing to my mental health and just how I view everyone around me nowadays! I wish I could go back in time and made different choices but all I can do is just reflect and move about it a different way! I’m no longer overreacting or simply just reacting in general! I keep quiet and isolated from all the bullshit that keeps popping up knowing I’ve got no say in what it does to me! I let things be for what they are and don’t bother fixing them even though they can be resolved with some time!
I tend to withdraw and go mute with others that I care about because I don’t wanna be a bother to them and simply not have them worry about the things I’m going through and feeling! I feel like being vulnerable with those I love just makes it harder for me to process all the things I’m feeling! I’d rather just forget all about the pain and forget about the fact that I exist in their world! I feel like every move I take is one step closer to being a disaster and I’m tired of causing damage to those I care about! I feel like even with all the time I take to isolate and dissociate from it all I’m never truly myself afterwards! I just wish I could love and be with someone the way it’s supposed to be but due to my upbringing and the way I got exposed to certain doings and lifestyles, I never cared to have that sort of love life! I grew up thinking love can only happen in a dream or in the movies, so when someone shows the slightest interest in me or just straight up tells me that they love me I think they’re wanting to use me or simply just make me out to be the bad guy for those around me!
I have such a hard time believing the things people say to me that I have to think about it a few times before I agree with anything that they say or do! It’s so hard believing others and the things they do because I feel like it’s just out of spite and never genuine! I’m so fucked up on love that it’s just easier if people talk to me and forget about my existence afterwards! I don’t wish to be a punching bag for anyone anymore! I’ve taken so many beatings and got up every single time just to see the good in them! I didn’t care to hate them for the things they did or said to me, I just let them show me who they really were and based my decisions on what to do with them that way! I never thought that I’d be crying thinking I deserved the abuse that I got! But I did and didn’t care to think twice about why it happened! I accepted it and let the scars take their place on my body! I got so used to the pain that nothing else felt better to me other than being completely numb so the pain could settle down to remind me of all the mistakes I ever made!