Blog Post 261

I Could've Been Better Pt. 1

I felt us losing control the moment we showered together. It all felt so right for the time being but after a while I felt as if I was never going to be enough so I stopped trying and only did what you wanted to make you happy! I put my needs aside for the time being just to see you smile! I didn’t care to be in the wrong or right of anything, I just wanted to make you happy! I ended up taking notes on what it meant to love and to be loved to realize I can never have it! It all seems so nice on paper and in the books but in real life it’s just not me! You sneak diss miss right in front of me it feels like and I ignore it because I hate the drama but yet again I just wanted to know what the reasoning for it was! 

I thought everything was good and well until I started overthinking about my past and letting it control my actions in the present just so I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice! I ended up keeping my distance and letting you take the lead even though the thought of hanging back feels wrong at certain times! I’ll never have a reason to not end up drowning because the way love works it’s never as balanced as it should be / seem! I know things get hard but for someone like me who overthinks everything and comes up with a self defense mechanisms to avoid it from affecting me takes little to no effort at all! I’ve run the scenarios in my head multiple times to the point where my reaction isn’t even a give or take! It’s just in silence and goes unnoticed for the majority of the time! The only thing that ever gets noticed are the cut offs! I have zero say in why I did them! It’s just easier to forget and erase others from my life than have to explain what happened! 

I have zero time looking at those I care about and knowing my decisions will make them feel some type way when all I’m trying to do is be a better person but not be in their way and I’ve found out that I can't have both so I pick one over the other and go from there! I make my mind on others not being the one for me so often that I end things with people who genuinely care about me because I’m scared to hurt them! I have this person in my life currently who makes me so fucking happy but at the same time I feel like I’m draining them of happiness! I cut back on the physical touch and intimacy because I don’t wish to get attached and have things end and I’m left with pieces of a broken friendship just laying on the floor trying to figure out where it all went wrong! I can’t help but analyze everything they do & I say because the way I talk and behave is based on the things they do unlike when I’m alone and on my own for the most part! It’s just all so confusing at times trying to be there for someone and being vulnerable in all the right & wrong places that it’s annoying for me at times to even be myself because I feel as if myself isn’t good enough for them! I get sad just thinking about them and not being able to see them!

But now that I’m alone and in my own comfort without them I’m starting to realize that maybe we should’ve just kept it over the phone! I’m sick feeling like I’m making mistakes and just being annoying when I’m being myself and not really thinking about it. I wish I could stop feeling sick and overthinking about this and that but you opened up to me and said the things you said I’m starting to realize it’s not something I can work through with you! I wish it was easier for me but it’s just making it harder for me you being here! I thought you coming over and meeting you I would feel great and happy but turns out I’m sad being with you but I’m hiding it because I keep thinking of all the wrongs I did and you being with me just proves my point as to why I should just stay single and not be bothered by others! I really wish I could say it has nothing to do with you but it does. I thought we could spend hours together but turns out you’re only here for the things I don’t care to do! 

It just sucks how I fell in love with you only to find out I don’t need you! I don’t wish to be entertained by you and the things you do! I’ll keep my cool and chill self persona but after Monday you should really just forget about me because I promise you I’m not fine! I’m incredibly annoyed I thought we could work and you’re giving me every chance to make it not for me it seems! I let you in and I became vulnerable just to feel like everything I do is a waste of time and half the things I’m doing is for you! I don’t want to be this social person because it’s not me! I hate it because it drains me! That’s why I gave you the locations of the clubs so you can go out and do your thing as you pleased knowing I’d be home alone erasing everything about out of my phone! I don’t need to spare you the details as to why or how it happened it just seems way to obvious as to why!

I’m not trying to seem like everything was a lie and for show when it wasn’t! I truly did fall in love with the sound of your voice and the look in your eyes but after a while I simply just got bored and drained by it all! I wish things could have been smoother but no matter the things I did or said it was never going to work! I hope whatever version I created for you to have of me is remembered because the version I have of you is going to be soon deleted because it’s not you, at least not from what I saw! I just think I’m so used to the isolation that you being around me and in my bed is pointless! I like to not talk, and be bother but I felt sad if I was being a bother all over again even though I know it was probably just my overthinking! I ended up shutting down and withdrawing 4 different times while you’ve been here and it’s only been 3 / 5 days since your stay and I’m so sorry it has to be this way! I’m just not cut out to be yours! I think you’re better off with your ex or someone better that doesn’t make you depressed! 

I just think it’s done and over with you & I because I can’t keep giving you something that doesn’t exist inside of me! I wish I could but it just hurts everytime you look at me thinking that I’m capable of giving you part of me that’s dead! I really wish I could elaborate on the reason as to why I can’t give it to you / no longer have it but it’s just too much for me! So please let’s just take these next 2 -3 days and just forget about us meeting one another! I’m sure you’ve got others back home waiting for you to please and satisfy more than I ever could! So just please let’s stop saying this and that and just get right to the gist of things shall we! I’m not into the hiding and keeping things a secret when that shit just makes me wanna overthink twice as fast and I just can’t be bothered by it anymore! So please leave me alone and keep your distance from me! Delete the messages & pictures of us and just forget about me all together! Thank you!