Blog Post 262
I Could've Been Better Pt. 2
I can’t put my emotions to rest when all I’m thinking about is you! It feels like I’m lost all over again without you! I thought we’d have forever but nothing last forever with me and I’m so sorry it came to what it did! I just need you to know that you were the best I ever had and if I could have stopped time to be with you forever I would! I felt so much love being around and with you that it felt so amazing knowing I had found someone just to let them leave because of the different lives we both live!
I’m letting myself shut down and finding a way to heal from all the feelings I’m feeling because the thought of you just makes me so sad and happy that I know I can’t have you back & I can’t come back into your life because of everything that’s been said! I wish the best of luck to you and the life you have back home! I just know these next few months are going to be the hardest for me because I’ll be drowning in the depths of emptiness thinking it was my fault for you leaving when in reality it’s just life & we have just have to focus on what’s best for us even though what’s best for us (me) was you being in my life! I’m like not even sure where to begin with anything right now because all I wanna do is fucking cry my eyes and see you one last time! But you’re already gone and there’s no coming back!
It’s insanely amazing how I finally found peace within myself while talking with you and being on ft literally all hours of the day! I’m going to miss all the small things and the memories of you that I have! I can’t believe you were the one who showed me what love can feel like with the right person even if it was only for a few days! But god damn those 5 days felt like a lifetime with you! I never want to let go of what we have but I know I’ll have to at some point but for now I’m going to hold onto everything about you & I until it’s time! Cause I can’t do this anymore!! Like I know love is hard and this is why I don’t do it because it’s so hard on me to believe that anyone could ever love me & be with me but you proved me wrong and I can’t just let it die like it meant nothing because to me you meant everything to me!
I know you just left like 40minutes ago and I just FaceTimed you because I just wanted to hear your voice one last time before I went to bed knowing I probably won’t get any sleep tonight because my mind is in a state of mind of missing you. So if I close my eyes all I’m going to see are the memories I hold of us being together and all the things you meant to me! I wish things could be different but there’s only so much we as humans can do and time is just sometimes not in the best interests for us! So we live and learn and this time I just lived for once and didn’t care what others thought of us and the things we did!
I finally got to experience what pda was and I must say that shit was such a turn on for me with you and it sucks I’ll never have that again! At least not with you! I’m just lost for words as to what I did to have you in my life and have you show me all the things you did! Every time I would feel like a bother you would come closer to me and tell me I wasn’t and that it was fine because I was just being me! I watched you be you and loved every moment of it! I felt so comfortable and happy being with you that I begged you not to leave knowing it was going to happen because I knew the pain was going to take over anyways! I just had to do it on my own time and not while you were with me! I held back my tears watching you leave and drive away knowing I would break down eventually because the thought of me not having you next me anymore killed me from the inside out but I couldn’t bare to show you how much it hurt me! I held back as much tears as I could while you cried holding me and I said my goodbyes and then I saw the note and it just broke me! I told you to stop and it just made me realize how special of a person you really were to me!
I’ve never felt like this before so knowing this feeling is real just says everything I need to know! I have butterflies in my stomach just typing and processing all of this! I’ll forever have this post to look back on what love really meant to me and how I felt during it! I just hate how hard it is to let go of those you love and care for knowing they’re never coming back! They might reach out here and there but they’re never coming to see you and it’s just a drug all on it own having to know that! But I know there will be times where I’ll FaceTime you and you might not pickup and I just have to accept that! You’re with someone new and I just have to find myself again and maybe one day we can see each other face to face knowing it was all worth it!