Blog Post 267
Just My Thoughts
Feels like every day it’s always something new and I just can’t keep up! I’m doing the best I can to not overthink but then you go and say some shit that makes me overthink shit anyways! I keep my cool and tell myself it’s all just lies so I wouldn’t have to go through with it knowing it’s how it is! I don’t care to open up to you anymore or feel the need to speak to you ever again! It feels like I’m wasting my time and yours by doing this and by staying with you! You seem to have way more options than you’re leading with and it’s fine that you do because I also keep my options open just in case shit doesn’t work out! But with you, it’s like you’re contacting your options and leading them on while you’re with me which is hard for me to understand bc you’re the only one I talk to and wanna be with so for you to do that it just makes me feel like shit!
I don’t tell you the things I do or say bc there’s no reason to! I keep you updated when I’m with others but other than that I no longer care to talk to you! FaceTime calls and texts are bout to stop and simply just bout to end it all together so I can be alone and find my way back to the usual! I don’t care if we break up or stay in a relationship at this point! I just need to do my own thing right now! You say you love me but wanna go out and do something that feels wrong in my head but right in yours and I just can’t sit here and pretend like it doesn’t hurt me! I tried to let it be and shit but in the midst of all I didn’t like the idea of it at all!! I wish it was never brought up but knowing you, you love to play mind games and hurt me without actually hurting me it feels like!
I hate how love makes me so blind to all the red flags and shit but I’m keeping track of just about everything that’s ever made me question my relationship with you and second-guess everything that went down / was happening! I feel like most of my energy is being drained by all the overthinking and second-guessing and you saying the shit you just said didn’t make it any better! I thought everything was great and things were finally looking up but nah I was wrong! You go and do this and now I’m back to square one with it all! Feels like I’m not the one for you and you’re not the one for me! There are too many differences between us two that I’m just mirroring your actions and behaviors that I’m losing myself in the process of it all just to make us work!
I know I said I’ll do anything and change but if this is what it takes then I think I’m pulling the plug on this one! I can’t help but think this relationship was a failure, to begin with! It was way too quick and way too much back and forth! Unless this is just the part where we trauma dump and let all our secrets out then sure it’s fine but I still hate the fact that you would bother mentioning someone else in the relationship that we have! Makes me feel like I’m all used up and have nothing left to give! I feel so shitty and constantly telling myself it’s not true and it’s just a joke not fully knowing if you mean it or not! I feel like I’m never good enough for you so we fight and argue over the smallest shit that would’ve been easier to just forget about!
Feels like everything had been mostly one-sided and I hate that! I wish I didn’t get so worked up over the things you said and do! I stopped using my socials so you wouldn’t have to think I was cheating behind your back and I made it known to everyone who ever talked to me that I was in a relationship and they understood that! So I’m not sure what more I can do or say to make you believe in me and maybe there’s nothing more that I can do! Which is fine but don’t keep shutting me out because I overthought something due to me seeing it happen before in my life! I’m always guarded so nothing ever really makes sense to me unless it’s fully analyzed and I can math out the math!! It’s not something you’re saying or doing it’s just I don’t wanna get hurt again and so far it feels like that’s all that’s happening to me right now!
I wish I could just come to terms with everything and call it quits but that wouldn’t be fair for you and I’ll be in such a depressive state that I’ll probably end up going back to rehab and I don’t want that! I think I just need to go a week without talking to you and let you breathe/live your life without me being in the way! I feel like we haven’t had much time to ourselves because I hate not being able to talk to you and not seeing your face makes me wonder about your well-being! I gotta find ways to distract myself from reaching out to you and not have so much worry for you!
I’m not saying that this is where we go see other people and fuck I’m just saying this is where we come to terms with everything and decide if it’s what we want! I know I’ll probably have a hard time finding an understanding of it all but for you, I’m sure it’ll be fine! You always seem to know what you want so there’s no need to worry on your end! But for me, it’s always a back and forth bc if I keep making mistakes it’ll soon be over us for sure bc I can’t live a life knowing all I’m doing is making mistakes with the one I love!! So I need to just step back for a bit and get it all sorted out!! I know where my heart and where it belongs and who it should belong to but my feelings and thoughts say otherwise right now bc of all the downsides to the relationship we have and I just don’t want there to be any downsides to it anymore! So I apologize for any inconvenience/confusion that this has caused you!