Blog Post 270

I Don't Wanna Leave

It might seem like love is testing us and seeing who will fall first but I know from experience that I'm always the last to leave. So when you tell me things like I'm just going to leave and find someone better I end up getting angry with you because what you just said was all lies and I hate lies being told to me. So stop saying shit you don't mean or know anything about. I've told you time after time that you're the one I want and I'll make it known to whoever ask's about you and I/us. I don't wanna leave and I don't care to hurt you because hurting you only hurts me in the end and I promised myself I wouldn't do that to myself anymore. So please let's just keep the love we have and never question my loyalty for you. I'll do whatever it takes to make us last and keep us from fighting.

I know things seem like a battle sometimes but knowing we got through it all is all that matters. I don't know how, when, or what the next fight will lead up to but I know I'll probably end up shutting down before it ends up escalating out of hand. I don't wanna lose you and have you end up walking out of my life when there's so much more for us in store. I can't count the number of times I thought of saying I do to you as if we're getting married and onto the next adventure in our lives. I know you talk about getting married a lot and I want that but right now I just wanna focus on bettering myself as time progresses because if we get married and three months down the line we end things it's going to be all for nothing and I don't want what we had built over the time of knowing each other to be over.

I want to love you forever and ever until my heart stops beating and I take my last breath of air. I just want it to be only you and me and nobody else involved. Feels like you were meant for me and I'm meant for you but I also think I still have some time to work on myself and make things better for the two of us. I want to be able to make you smile and happy and nothing else. I hate when we fight because it makes me feel like things aren't going as well as I'd like them to so I'm having to find ways to improve myself and the relationship that we have. I'm always looking for ways to make us whole and just be able to trust you and not have to wonder as much as I did when we first established that we were dating/together. I understand not every relationship is smooth sailing but I'd like to think what we have is definitely worth the fight and stay.

It just feels like some days are harder than others and then others days are way too good to be true. I need time to process everything that it is I feel over a course of time otherwise I end up overthinking shit that has no meaning behind it. Makes me feel like I'm making shit up as we go when that's not what I'm wanting or need. I just need to be alone sometimes so I don't end up overreacting like how I did just yesterday thinking something was up even though I just didn't fully understand your activities for the day and I take full responsibility for that. I should've just asked you to explain it to me once again before I jumped to conclusions as to what was really going on. I'm so sorry I went off on you like that and ended up shutting down. You didn't deserve that and I'll never fully recover from it because now I'm no longer in any position to ask questions about this and that because it's just going to make me look like I don't trust you and I do trust you it was just that the location through me off that's all.

I can't keep thinking something bad is going to happen or that something bad has already happened. I gotta just relax a let things be for how they are. I'm not worried about you cheating or causing a scene because I know that you would never do something as vile as that. Especially when you've already started to mention certain things about our future that just makes me wanna keep pushing forward so I can see it for myself and tell myself that it was worth the wait. I want you in my life as much as you want me in yours and I'm sure with just the right amount of time and patience that there's nothing we can't solve as one. I love you and I don't ever wish to stop loving you. You're the best thing I've ever had in a long time and I don't wish to lose you!!