Blog Post 271
Everything I Know & Feel as of Right Now
I know things have been spiraling out of control lately but please let me stay and help you fix the damages that I've caused. I never meant to cause you the damages that have happened. I didn't realize me being myself had been so confusing for you. I thought if I had stayed true to myself that you would have loved me more but turns out it's the complete opposite of that. I didn't realize my doings had such a negative effect on you and our relationship. I never knew it was hurting you this bad. I thought if I was just open and honest with everything that went on that things would have been easy for us. But turns out I was only doing those things because I was trying to gain your trust back even though I thought it was still there.
I thought I was doing everything right from the jump and making sure zero mistakes were being made from my side of things. But turns out I was only making it more confusing for you. I wasn't sure how to explain my doings when there's really not much of a thought process to it. Things usually just happen for me / to me and I just go with it. I don't ask questions or bother second-guessing any of it. It's just what it is and I have to just let it be. I don't bother asking questions anymore because questions just lead to lies and I hate lies. So for you to think I'm lying to you when in reality the truth is right in front of you, you just have to accept it. Don't keep asking me about this and that when I've kept you updated from the jump and explain all of it while it's all going down.
Just feels like you're right I'm wrong and love can only be found in a dream for me. Feels like nothing is real anymore. Feels like everything is just an illusion at this point! You've made me feel like I'm worth nothing and degraded my entire existence right in front of me. I felt so angry that I said something just to take it back even though we both know once I say something I mean that shit. So I don't know why I even bothered with stopping myself from saying it. I just hated how everything was going to shit. I felt like none of us had any control over anything at the time. I couldn't help but get stuck between wanting to ignore the bad and just telling you I still Love You.
It hurt reading the text that you were sending me. You mentioned you were only good for sex and that was it. When I know damn well you're good for so much more. You keep letting your past get the best of you and it's triggering for me because it just makes me wanna go even harder every time because I don't wish for you to go back to your old ways. You've been doing so well with your mental health and physical health that it would just be embarrassing for both of us if you went back to that! I've done my best to love you and support all of your needs. But you self-sabotaging your body & health is where I draw the line. You shouldn't feel the need to self-sabotage over my mistakes.
It feels like part of me is dead unless I'm waking up to your face and falling asleep to the sound of your voice. I feel like my whole life doings have changed because of you and it feels so off-balanced when those doings aren't done. It feels like I'm missing something / forgot to do something when in reality you have other plans or just simply out with other people. I don't ever wish to feel like I'm a bother but recently that's all I've ever felt. I felt so many other things yet nothing at the same time during it all. I wanted you to end it but still made sure nothing ended and we were still going strong. I guess certain fights/battles are meant to be lost but I've learned that if two people (me & you in this case) are willing to fight for what's best for us then we have nothing to fear.
I just hope I can continue loving you and only you until the end of time. You're the best thing that's ever stepped foot into my life and I can't afford to lose you. I love you with everything I have to give. There's not a second or day that I don't think of you. You're on my mind all day every day. I just hope one day I can make you understand how special you really are and everything it is you mean to me. Fuck if could buy you an entire universe just for you I would because that's just how much you mean to me and I don't ever want to think about losing you!
I love you more than anything and I don't see myself living a life without you because you're everything I'll ever need and want in this lifetime. So let me love you in the best way possible and give you the love that you deserve without ever hurting you even though I made the mistake of letting my anger show for the first time and making you cry. I can never take that back or say a sorry good enough that'll wipe your tears off your face... at least not right now. But with some time I promise I'll only have to say sorry once and never again because I know no matter how much I try and forget the love I have for you will always remain. There's not a day or person that can take that away from me. I love you and I will continue to love you until my very last breath. So please forgive me for screwing it up and making the mistake of being confusing and making you cry when that was never my intention.