Blog Post 272
Untitled 3.0
Feels like I’m losing myself in the process of loving someone else! I love this person without a doubt but surely it’s just a lot to process and get things right when I’m an over thinker and things just end up going south from the jump! I wish I was less of an over thinker and more of an optimistic! I feel like I should just look on the bright side of everything and just ignore the bad! I want things to be picture perfect for the two of us but I have thoughts that somethings off / wrong with us! I don’t feel the same when we’re apart! Feels like waves of sadness just coming in one by one and it won’t end!
I never really took the time to understand my feelings when everything was always on the go! I thought if I just kept pushing forward things would catch up but instead it came crashing down upon us and we had to solve it before it broke us apart! I hated every second of last night knowing you went to bed upset when I tried so hard to get it right! I barely got any sleep because all I did was write out all the things I did and how I wish things could’ve been way different for the two of us! I couldn’t shed a single tear last night and as much as I wanted to I kept telling myself to be strong and it it’ll all just fade away eventually! I hated looking at the ceiling knowing I couldn’t be there with you to comfort you! I wanted to be with you so bad but I managed to fall asleep at 3am and woke up way before my alarm was even set to go off!
We talked throughout the morning even though I was going to be late for work and I didn’t care! I just wanted to make sure you were okay and the love we had for one another was still there! I can’t believe I said the shit I said when I didn’t even know why I said it! It was just so annoying that I sat there and let you say all the hurtful things you were saying just for me to react in the way that I did and you didn’t deserve any of it! I just get triggered with slot of shit and I don’t like being abused and hurt! So I’m sorry if I went off but it’s just my body telling me you’ve had enough!
It’s just I hate lying to myself trying to make myself feel better! When I feel better just by talking to you and seeing your face! It makes me so happy that nothing else ever matters when I’m on the phone with you!! It feels like time is frozen and it’s just the two of us being ourselves! I want to love you so hard that my own damn heart pops out of my chest and lands into the palms of your hands because I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re safe, happy, loved and appreciated! I never wanna make you angry or sad! I hate those feelings so when you’re in those feelings it hurts me because I just want the best for you! I’m all about you and I just wish you knew how incredibly important and amazing you are to me! I don’t wanna ever lose you!! I couldn’t even handle the pain and stress from last night knowing it was going down hill so quick!
I just wish I could get it right with the whole being in love thing! Feels like it’s a game of poker and you never know what’s really what! I don’t want things to fade away between us because I will forever love you but the thought of us being together for life is such a better thought! I wanna reach out and tell you all the things I feel but it’s way too late for that! I just have to keep holding on to what we currently have and go from there because as long as hope still exist then it’s worth the stay! I love you so freaking much that I’ll keep doing whatever it takes to make it known!
I lose track of time when talking to you and I know that’s easy to say but it’s the truth! These past 4months have been moving quick! I’ve loved every second of it that I wish I could just build a time machine and relive all the good times I’ve had with you!! You’re seriously so damn amazing & perfect that nobody could ever compete/compare to you! I want to see our relationship grow and be able to love you even harder! I want you to understand that I’m not perfect but I’ll do my best to make sure our relationship & friendship stays perfect! I love everything about you that even the slightest change to you I’m always going to appreciate it!