Blog Post 274

I'm Just Lost and Confused But I Act as If I'm Fine With It All

There have been times when I've felt so shitty about myself and everything I've done and said that I just simply wanna die and end it all so I can stop causing you pain from everything I do. I feel like all I'm doing is just suffocating you and making you feel guilty for things that weren't your fault or based on you. I just have so much anger built up inside me that I ended up taking it out because I was so annoyed with how things were. I hated / still hate how there are guys reaching out to you and they're from your past because y'all used to do things supposedly and it just hurt knowing you let their dm's/texts sit there in your phone / in your account and not having the energy or time to simply just block and delete them unless I tell you to. I just wish it was something you do as it happens. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that I have to know that there are guys out there looking to use you and be used by you just for their needs.

It just feels like there's always someone getting in the mix of us and it's making shit out to be worse than it already is because of them and how I am with processing all the information around me. I feel like crying some nights because I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for you or simply put there's someone else better than me for you out there trying to get your attention. It feels like I'm in a constant battle/war trying to improve myself and doing my best to make things work when you still have other people hitting you up for things they can find and do elsewhere. It just fucking sucks I'm not with you side by side and everything is done over the phone and shit. Fuck I just wanna hug you. I just hate feeling like I'm not the only one and that you're giving your attention to others when you tell me that I'm the only one. But it just worries me that I may never actually be the only one you love or are in a relationship with. Which really sucks on my fucking part but it's just me being honest.

I'm always asking you the same questions over and over because of how fucked I am and how my trust issues are. I can't help but think something is always off or there's someone else in the mix and not just me. But I know that's not it because you tell me that I'm the only one and you make it known but I still feel like there's a lot that goes on the other side that I don't know about or you just simply not telling me. It just sucks I ended up yelling/screaming at you over the phone because of me just simply wanting to know the answers as to why they were reaching out and who they were. I just feel like all the things I do are toxic and not worth anyone's time that's why I felt like we needed to break up and as much it hurt me texting you all things I did I never meant any of it. It was just my emotions getting the best of me and I wish they hadn't because I'm just hating myself all over again because of the yelling and mistakes I've made while dating you. 

I'm constantly feeling like I don't deserve you and that you'd be better off with someone else who's better than me and mentally stable than me. It just sucks knowing that you have options and I only have eyes for you and nobody else but you keep thinking the opposite of that and it sucks because I truly do love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you but not if I'm going to be constantly judged for making a mistake along the way when it's all new to me and I'm just trying my fucking best to get it right and make you happy. I know that there are going to be days when we don't agree with things but that doesn't mean we should give up on one another not for things that can easily be fixed. I don't know there's a lot of feeling that went into making this and just the thought of losing you/us breaking up over my stupid mouth and the reaction was simply just uncalled for and me yelling at you should have never happened. For fuck sake since when do I ever yell at the one I love? It should've never happened and I wish it never came to that.

Being your boyfriend is the best thing for me but also the hardest because I hate myself every time I hurt you and make you cry. It feels like the world is coming to an end every time shit goes south and I wish I could prevent it from ever happening, but mistakes are supposed to be made so we can learn from them but not when it makes the person you love so upset that it makes them cry. How fucking bad does one have to mess up or simply just say stupid shit to make someone they love cry? Like, be fucking for real. I hated every second of them crying and all I wanted to do was to go numb and forget it ever happened because why would I want to remember the moment where I made the one I love cry? At that point, I really do deserve the Shittest Boyfriend of the Year Award!

I don't know there was a lot that happened and I'm still trying to process it all because it sucks when shit gets out of hand but at the same time we can either choose to ignore it or learn from it and I'd rather just learn from it and make sure it never happens ever again. But that's just me!! I just wish I knew how to suppress my feelings and all my thoughts so they don't hurt anyone. I wish I could do a lot of things, to be honest. I just wish the best for people but I feel like it'll never happen if I'm in their life and that's how I truly feel and think, and I get how fucked that sounds but it's just how it is for me!