Blog Post 275

Self Sabotaging

I don’t know why but I feel like a lot of people can do so much better if I wasn’t around! I just hate how every time someone comes and talks to me I feel like my response would just either offend them or simply make them feel like I don’t care which I probably don’t but like what am I supposed to do and say if I genuinely don’t care? Lie and tell them that whatever they’re saying is interesting. Like no, I’d rather swallow rocks if anything! I just hate how honest and open I’ve been lately with those around me! Like yeah, this is the real me where everything I say and do has no meaning behind it whatsoever! I do it because no one’s going to care or simply just because I let it be for what it was and didn’t care about the consequences!

I thought cutting ties and connections to everyone around me would make me feel better and I could just simply focus on myself and everything I had going on in my personal world so that there wouldn’t be any distractions but damn was I wrong! People wanna call/text and show up at my work asking about me and shit as if I had just died or some shit! Like why can’t people just leave those who simply vanish off the grid alone and not have the urge to bother with their existence? I’ve literally had friends who’ve been unheard of for years and yet they’re doing just fine so why can’t I have that privilege of just not being heard from or seen by the public eye? 

I’m perfectly happy with my relationship but sometimes I still don’t feel good enough about myself and everything I’ve done and currently doing! I feel like everything I do is either wrong or just too much and never right! Like I’m not even mad about anything I just feel like I’m not allowed to ask questions or say certain things that I feel/have self-doubt about so I just stay quiet and let it eat me alive and then I have to act like I’m fine and shit when I’m clearly not fine but nobody ever knows that because I lie to myself and tell myself that it’s all good and well when it’s really not! But who cares right as long there’s no conflict or anything and everything stays picture perfect people will always think you’re happy & doing well! So why not just keep letting them believe that and make peace with my inner demons again and just go from there!