Blog Post 276

Just Trying to Process it All

If I was to let it all come crashing down and watch it burn to ashes would it ease my pain or will it just make it worse? If I was to let my demons take over would I be a better person or would you hate me even more? If I did only bad would you then realize all the good there was to me? Would there be anything worth saving once I let it out or do I just walk away from it and call it what it is. If the love I gave was so pure then why did it feel like a constant battle with you to get it right? I gave you the chance to see the real me only to get sucked back into seeing the other side of me that is constantly lingering the demons in the background.

If the only option was letting go then why'd you have to make us work and fall for everything that is being said and done? You made it out to be so perfect only for it to be ugly in the end. I told you all my secrets just for you to use them against me. I did all I could to make you happy just for you to take advantage of me. You held the key to my heart just to throw it out on your way home. I couldn't help but think how perfect you were to me only to find out it was all a lie.

If I was to tell you that you're the only one I wanted would you believe me? Or would you tell me to get lost and find another one? If my demons ever get the best of me would you help me put them back where they belong or would you let them take me? If I was to come to you and ask for your help would you accept my request or would you turn your head the other way and let me fend for myself? If I was to do everything I could to make it right again with you would you take me up on my offer and be mine again or would you call me out and let me die? If I was to give you all of me would you discard me like trash or would you accept me for me and love me the way you once did? If I was to ask you would you marry me would you say yes or would you laugh and tell me to fuck off?

I guess what I'm trying to say is I know I'm no good for you and I can't be loved the way I should be loved.  I'm damaged as fuck and a total jerk for just basically existing but if I got one thing right it would have been sending you that dm on that app. I don't regret it at all and I know I said I was sorry for ever doing it but turns out I'm not. I'm so glad I did because I feel like I finally met the one who could totally understand me and I can't lose you over something so stupid as a simple question and me being dramatic about it.

It's just really nice knowing that there's somebody in this world that actually cares about me and makes me feel everything I'm supposed to feel without any judgment and for me to tell you that you didn't make me feel special or anything just really fucked it all up for us/you & I. I never should have said that or implied that shit in the text. Fuck when will I ever learn to not fuck up with those I love and care about? It just never gets better from here on out. I made you think I wanted to break up with you when I just wanted to hold you in my arms and feel your heartbeat.

I never got it right with you but I tried my best to keep on going and seeing where it lead us to. But turns out there were things on your mind that were being unsaid I'm so sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk about it/them. I'll never forgive myself for anything I ever said or did to hurt you. I texted you a breakup note even though I just wanted to lay in your arms and feel safe. I felt so unsafe in my own place knowing you were in bed crying. I wanted everything bad that had happened between us two to just disappear and vanish into thin air so we didn't have to go back and forth with the feeling of things ending potentially. 

I made a stupid mistake in thinking I could fix a broken heart when the only thing I should've been doing is protecting yours. But instead, I failed you and let your heart fall to pieces. I was supposed to protect you and make you feel safe and just love you the way you deserved to be. I was supposed to make sure nothing bad ever came your way and if and when it did I would help you get out of it. But for this, I really fucked it up and I can't get myself out of it. So if you wanna walk away and find someone else I won't stop you. I know who I am and it's not what you need. I thought I could be what you needed and wanted but I just can't, no matter how hard I try I'll just fail over and over. 

It just sucks knowing I'm losing you and I can't really do anything about it or think of anything to stop it from happening. I can give you your space and go ghost for weeks to a month if needed but what will that prove? That I can just live without you? Sure but I don't want to live a life where you're not in it. I want you and only you. I keep fighting for you/us because I don't want to be with anyone else and why would I let go of someone who brings out the best in me? It just doesn't make any sense to let go of you. If anything I want to hold you, adore you, and just love you nonstop. I don't need anyone else but you in my life and that's a fact.

I can't see myself being here on this planet if you aren't next to me. It'll feel so lonely and empty that nothing I do or say will ever matter. I'll have zero reasons and zero motivation for anything that comes my way. I'll just want to find a way to make it right and find a way to have you back in my life and arms at all costs. I just wish I could put a ring on your finger and prove just how much you meant to me and that everything is going to be okay. You'll never have to worry about me or my safety because I'm always going to be with you no matter the time or distance. You'll always have me by your side.

Please just don't give up on me even though I can be a bit dramatic and act like a total jerk when things seem off. 

P.S 

I LOVE YOU