Blog Post 279

It Got Better!!

I know I've been losing control lately but somehow it seems as if I got a grip on things again and by the looks of it things are so much better now. Never before have I been so happy to wake up and get shit done. I know I've said things will never change but it was because I was suffocating myself with the people around me and the job I was so desperately holding on to. Turns out jobs are meant to be left behind and onto the next but only if it's upgrading you financially and mentally. Don't just leave and not have a plan for what's to come next.

I can't really explain my situation right now other than I felt trapped with my first and only job after working there for almost four years and I just got bored and drained from everything going on and feeling like I wasn't making any progress with my life and my mental health became very unstable and I knew something had to be done. I mean yeah getting fired for fighting the lab manager wasn't the best solution. I could've taken a different approach for sure but with all the stamina and anger/stress being built up inside me there were only one or two ways it could've ended and well it ended the wrong way and I take full responsibility for it but for now, let's just let the past be in the past.

This new job is a much better environment for me to be in because my human interactions are limited and for someone who hates being around people, it works out very well. I'm basically my own boss and as long as all my boxes make it to their destinations I've got zero issues/complaints. Plus I can just go at my own speed and rate of how I want the day to go and when I'm having a rough day I can literally just stay quiet and not have people in my ear asking me what's wrong and shit cause I'm literally all alone in my truck just trying to process all the feelings I'm feeling and going from there.

I swear it's like people can't feel or go through anything at work without someone asking what's wrong/what happened? Maybe some people (myself) just do everything internally and have to process everything from start to finish to figure out what the issue was/is and go from there. Sometimes I just tell myself I'm the problem subtract myself from everyone and just do my own thing for a while. I have zero issues doing my own thing it's just when people wanna butt in and add their two cents that creates a problem for me because who called for you and asked for your opinion on what's happening in my life? Like just stay where you are and mind your own fucking business like the rest of society! Please & Thank You!!

I get people outgrow things and people change and no longer have the same friends from a year ago. But it's all for growth and sometimes letting go of everything is the best decision people can make. It's not necessarily giving up on them and what they once had it's just people falling out of love, and just people in general that don't benefit them in a way they once did. People tend to keep hold of the memories with the ones they loved/cared about but sometimes memories are all you need in life. Nothing more nothing less. I personally get drained from having people around me and no disrespect to those wanting to be around me it's just I personally don't want them around me. I get that people might feel some type of way about me no longer reaching out / asking about how they're doing but all that small talk just annoys me to the point where I wanna block their number now. Like why the fuck are you texting/calling me after a year of no-call no-show for? Make it make sense my guy because honestly I thought my existence didn't exist anymore to y'all but yet here we are still trying to get a hold of me and for what? Just to see how much less of a fuck I give?

I'm good and my life is chill now that nobody knows about my doings and it's so much more peaceful as you can see by me no longer posting/publishing anything on my accounts, and to be fair I really enjoy the peacefulness. I think a lot of people should find peace within themselves and go from there because once you find it there's no going back to the old you. Your mindset and level of tolerance for shit will change for the better and once you get into the swing of not being relevant to anyone you'll be better off in the future. I just feel like a lot of people have lost all access to me and I'm not even mad about it. It's so nice not having to worry about stupid shit about other people's stupid little lives and no longer being called up on some shit that had nothing to do with me. I'm just so at ease with a lot of things that I can finally just focus on the things that actually matter instead of temporary shit that's dead within the first week of knowing about it.