Blog Post 282

I’ll Never Have It

I thought I could have something like everyone else has but clearly that one thing will never be mine fully and I’ve finally come to terms with it. It never last as long as everyone else’s and as much as I fucking give it my all and try my best to go all in it just ends up falling apart after a few months in and I’ve just come to terms with it that. I will no longer try or make myself want it ever again or have it happen to me ever again. I just wanna be myself to my own self and not have to worry or prove anything to anyone anymore. I did that for 11 months just for them to end it right before my eyes.

I get so close and so happy just for me to end up being back to distant and numb from it all and I hate it. All they ever do is leave and go end up being with other ones that can fit there needs or whatever they have in mind. Which is cool but for someone like me who’s picky and very specific on what I want and need and for it to just end like this is sad if anything. Because you mean to tell me I did all that work just for you to tell me that it’s over? Like why did you even stay then if you were just going to leave? I told you I hated temporary shit just for you to play me in my face and kill it off.

I’m sick of wasting my time on relationships and this is exactly why I stay out of them and avoid them at all cost unless it’s someone worthy of my time and the fight. Otherwise most of these people that I come in contact with would just be a waste of time. I only ever asked for one thing and that was to show me the meaning of true love cause it’s never been in my best of interest. So far love has just been a life lesson and everything that came with it just taught me what not to do and never what I should be doing. It’s always showing me things that I need to work on and never the good things I’ve done. Feels like love will always just be a battlefield and it’s gonna have me lose every time unless I find someone who’s willing to take a chance on me every step of the way otherwise I really don’t see the purpose of doing this anymore.