Blog Post 284

Feeling Free

I'm no longer hitting the replay button to go back in time to look back at all the good times we had. It's more like fast forward so I can get to the good part now. I got so sick and tired of feeling like I wasn't good enough and telling myself that'll I'll never love someone as good as I did with you just to realize that may be true but I can just try my best and that's all I can do for now. I may not be the best at showing how I love but just know you're gonna see a different side of me every time when I show it. I keep having to learn from my past just so I can get it right and all the things I do and say is from all my past mistakes. So apologize if certain things seem too good to be true. I'd just hate to see it all go to flames once again. So please just give me some time to make things right for us and see where this love goes.

I hope this one last even though I tell myself love is just so temporary so I stop trying midway through to see if you'll leave or not and you tend to prove me right all the time. So from now on please just tell me what it is you want and we can go from there. I'm not trying to give it my all for something that's just gonna end in a month or three. I need things to be consistent or it's not going to work. I need to know that I can trust and count on you to be there for when I'm breaking down and end up doing things that didn't need to be done. I need someone to tell me I'm not being dramatic over something that seems off and telling me to stop overthinking when the things I think about are all the things you're doing that make me feel some type of way.

I just wish I could find someone that can handle all the trauma and guilt I carry. I already hate myself for trying to be myself just for everyone to get hurt in the end. I told myself I wouldn't hurt anyone and look what happened... they got hurt. So please tell me what it is I'm doing wrong that makes everyone around me hate me so damn much when all I'm doing is barely existing nowadays. Feels like I'll never find that one person that can love me for me and understand that I'm not a bad human being, bad things just end up happening to me and it kills me having to get over it like it didn't drain me from inside out. I'm so sick of people I meet and date tell me I'm not good enough nor that I will ever love the right way. I simply give it my all when it comes to love and what does love do to me...??? It fucking kills me from every which way leaving me to beg for mercy. I'm simply just sick of doing relationships and making them work at this point.