Blog Post 287

You Were the Best I Ever Had

I'm honestly not even sure where to begin right now but I have a lot to say so let's just go ahead and break it down because I need to just let it all out and let it be known. I no longer wish to keep it to the side or hide these feelings I've been having and still going through while time keeps passing by.

I saw your face in the pics and ended up shooting my shot just to find out I found a good one and told myself I'll do all I can to keep you by my side and it was great for the first part but then things shifted due to my stupidity and how I overthink and lash out on things that don't seem right or simply because I felt like I was losing you and feeling unloved and I really hated that feeling. But you went and made sure to make your love known and that nothing would ever come between us and I believed in you because you had all the proof right in your hands and your actions always lined up with your words. It's just a shame I couldn’t have done the same because I was scared that if I showed any sign of trouble you'd leave so I kept it hidden knowing I caused more harm to myself by thinking the way that I was because it was all so new to me and I never knew how to overcome the things that I was feeling so I'd just end up overthinking and accuse you about things that weren't true and it was so annoying on my part and for you to have to deal with that.

All I had to do was just relax and speak from the heart but my heart was so damaged at the time I wasn't even sure if what my heart was feeling was true or not and it was scary to think all this could be a waste of time but you came in and told me that you'd help me get through it all and you did. I came to you with just about everything and anything even when it had nothing to do with what was being said and I'm so sorry about that. I just never know when to shut up about certain things like you said. I get either way too excited about things where all I do is talk about it to where it no longer excites me or to the point where it's already happened and I'm onto something new. I just really wish I had taken your advice and stayed quiet about a lot of things and only got happy for when you had accomplished something. Which I thought at one point I was doing but I guess I wasn't doing it enough. I felt like most conversations would only be one-sided but I did my best to understand you and all the things you were telling me but I just couldn't keep up.

I ended up getting mad at myself a lot for not being able to express my needs and wants to you besides knowing that my goal was to never hurt you and if I ever did I'd do my best to fix it right then and there and I couldn't even do that. I ended up hurting you one time and I completely fell apart and went down so far the rabbit hole where I completely shut down and made you feel like it was your fault when that was never my intention. I never meant for you to put the blame on yourself for thinking you were no help to me whatsoever when you staying by my side was all I ever needed and I'm so sorry I didn't make it known to you sooner. 

It just really hurt a lot after I ended up hurting you that one time I felt like whatever I did from then on out wouldn't matter and that there was no way someone like you could ever love me again and I hated myself so much for ever hurting you that I ended up going back to the overthinking and only talking when spoken to and only picked up the phone when you called. I felt such a waste of life that I never expected you to keep the relationship going. It hurt me so much more than I let on and I know how fucked that seems but it's the truth. I was going through so many emotions and questioning myself if I should stay or go. Because I knew I never wanted to hurt you ever again and seeing you hurt for the first time really made me want to protect you at all cost, especially from your past relationship and all the shit that person made you go through.

I never expected I would be the one to hurt you like he did. I didn't even realize I could be as cruel and selfish as he was. It was never in the playbook for me to come out like he was. I was supposed to PROTECT YOU, LOVE YOU, and RESPECT YOU BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY and I failed to do just that and I think that's why I put so much pressure on myself in the beginning because I knew what to do I just ended up messing up to where there wasn't a point where I could return to call you mine again. This really fucking sucks because I have never in my life loved you like how I did even though my love may seem a bit confusing to most people but you understood it so well and that's the most caring thing anyone's ever done.

You were able to acknowledge all my flaws and lift me up and tell me that I was the only one when I would constantly think you had others. Which was so wrong of me and you loved me for me and I loved you for you but I still managed to fuck it all up because I couldn't handle all the thoughts running through my head playing out all the bad scenarios just just have them all come true and it fucking hurts knowing that they only came true because I lashed out and acted out as if they were actually true. I let my thoughts get the best of me and I truly hate myself for ever letting it get to that. All I had to do was call and hear your voice and it would've been fixed but instead, I stayed quiet and let them consume me. I was wrong for letting my anger out and letting it control the narrative when I could've just simply texted you calmly and respectfully but instead, I ended up blaming you for all the things I thought when it was never your fault.

Fuck there's just so much I have to work on and learn about myself that I just don't even know where to start. Like I don't even know if what I'm meant to have will ever be fully mine because every time it comes my way I somehow find a way to fuck it all up and and expect it to get fixed. I don't even understand how that even makes sense to anyone's brain but I hate it. It's like good things and amazing people once in a lifetime aren't supposed to come my way. I just hate how every time I meet someone they end up leaving because I simply just exist and think. Like I wish I knew how to make one stay but instead, all I seem to know how to do is just make them leave and I fucking hate watching that door close knowing it was all my fault. Like I simply just can't process anything anymore. I don't understand why this keeps happening. No matter how much I try and beg it all goes to shit. No matter how much I learn from my relationships they always end and for what? Like who the fuck am I supposed to be with? 

You mean to tell me a whole year gone just like that? What the fuck is wrong with me and this fucking life I live? I don't think they'll ever truly understand how much I loved them but holy fuck this feels like hell losing them. I never even had time to think about what would happen if I lost them I only planned for our future but that future is long gone and I have nothing now. I just obsoletely hate everything right and I know I shouldn't but goddamn life just keeps shoving shit down my throat and expecting me to accept it. I don't want to accept the fact I just lost a good one. Like are you fucking dumb? Why did life have me choose them and then take them away from me? Please someone just explain that to me!!! Please I just want it to all make sense!!

Sorry, there's just so much to process that I don't know how else to do it other than this. It's like a crash of waves coming in from all sides expecting me to figure it all out when I'm simply just drowning in all the pain and tears I've felt and seen. I just hope that amazing person stumbles upon this one day and understands that my love will always be there when they want it the most. It'll never fade or die because true love never really dies and everyone who's ever been in love will understand that. So thank you for giving me the best year of my life and all the wonderful moments and the fun times. But for now, I must go and let you fly to wherever it is you feel safe and welcomed. I hope you find the joy and love you want and deserve soon.

Sorry, I couldn't do more for you & us! I'll always remember you!