Blog Post 288

I Hope It All Works Out for You!

Hey I know I kept reaching out to you to help me get through all of the things I was feeling and trying to find a solid ground to where things could possibly just die down slowly and not have been all so sudden. But it looks like things are already moving quite along which is sad but I guess it's best if they do. You have your own life and I have mine. We have all the things we want and need in our own worlds so let's just stick to what we know best and go from there. It sucks I had things go down this path but what could I do? I felt like everything I was doing and saying was all wrong and sometimes just sitting there breathing was wrong and I don't even know how that's possible.

I hope you don't think I'm letting go cause it's easier than holding on when holding on is a lot easier than letting go for me. I loved you with all my heart I just didn't show it the right way and when it came down to it all I ended up being the bad guy in the end and I really hate that. Knowing I ended up being the bad guy all because I couldn't get my shit together / under control. I couldn't find the time to talk while I was at work because I just wanted to get shit done as quickly as possible and then talk to you. I looked forward to getting the last box off just so I could call and talk to you but that seemed to have ruined our communication life and how we communicated with one another which really sucks. I loved being on the phone with you all hours of the day and when it suddenly just stopped it hurt the hell out of me because I got so used to just seeing your face on my phone that anything else was just annoying.

I felt so at peace when seeing your face and being able to laugh and talk about anything and everything and have it all stop was the most frustrating thing ever and it just kept getting worse I felt like. I was tired and I didn't know how to go about not being able to talk to you when that's all ever wanted. I just never found the right time to do it. I mean I had texted and left voice memos but when I called the outside noise was so loud you kept hanging up which made me wanna cry because it just felt like everything around me was keeping us apart and I hated that. I felt like the only time I could really be myself and on the phone was in my car or when I'm at home aka not at work and it just really sucks that I couldn't get it to work while at work. I tried so hard to be up to date and have things to talk about while at work but it just didn't fit into our favor.

I don't know what more I could have done but I guess people are right about trying to have a work life and a personal life. But trying to manage the two is also its own full-time job because you don't wanna give more attention to one than the other and I think that's what I was doing and I didn't even see it / catch on to it. I just saw it as I have work and then I have a relationship that was it. I was like separating the two when I should've been making them work with one another. But I'll get a better hang of it eventually since there's a first time for everything.

But anyways I'm just really sorry for the things that happened to us and all the things I did that led to us parting ways and wishing the best to one another. I never saw it coming but I know somewhere down the line there's a purpose for it all so hopefully when I get there I'll understand it all and get it completely right with whoever's waiting for me on the other end of that tunnel. Because I really don't know how much more of these heartbreaks I can take until I fully collapse and end it all.