Blog Post 289

Don't Say You Love Me

I thought you were the one but you just came out and proved me wrong all over again and why I should just stay to myself. I forced myself to be there at all hours of the day just to go back and forth on shit that had no meaning. I was losing myself trying to be the best version of myself for you just so you could treat me like I'm nothing and bring up my past to hurt me and make me feel as if I had any control over how I came into this world. All I ever wanted was to be happy and make those around me happy but for the one I loved (you) I wanted way more and it sucks I couldn't have it happen because of time and distance. I don't know why I was so scared to drop everything and come see you. But like I knew if I had come you still would have kept me out of sight and it always killed me having to know that I will always just be a secret from everyone that's in your life when you were never a secret for the people in my life.

I had such a hard time going back and forth on the thought and feeling of being kept a secret when you wanted to get married / put a ring on my finger but how could that possibly be when I was told I'd have to be a secret. I cried the first week of that talk and how It would all work knowing if I went through with it that maybe it would just fade away but it never did so I went back to protecting my mental health and left it for what it was and tried my best to not leave but I wanted to so bad. I don't know what you did or had on me for me to stay but holy fuck I should've just blocked you right then and there for thinking someone like me would ever want to be kept a secret but I fucking went through with it even though nothing about my life was a secret at the time and never has been. But I guess it all changed when you stepped in.

I didn't know who to talk to or what I could say or talk about when people would ask about me and my life all I could ever come up with was things are chill hbu, type shit. I fucking hated myself for not being able to open up about us. For me to be in a relationship with you and not have the capability to talk about you was so wrong. I felt like everything was just pointless at times. Because were you ever mine or was it just my imagination? I couldn't help but feel blindsided by all of it and I didn't know what to do. I felt lowkey trapped in a sense of way and I think that's why my thoughts ended up getting out of hand and making me think of all those bad things. I don't understand how you expect to be in a relationship with someone and claim you wanna get married to them but yet keep them a secret.

Please for the love of god explain that shit right now because every time you explained it you sounded stupid. So can someone with an actual brain help me understand it because there's no way someone actually thinks that's the "best solution" to having a working long-distance relationship!! It literally hurt knowing asking about your friends and then mid-way through forgetting that they don't know about me so I couldn't even get involved because what fucking meaning would it have? Literally none what's so ever so highkey fuck you for keeping me a secret for a whole year when I showed you out and off even though I never got the same treatment. Which I don't mind I guess because you "only wanted me for yourself"... I gave you all of me and my all to you but you didn't have to keep me a secret. I know how to stay loyal and only be for one person. Trust me my attachment issues won't care for anyone else once I find someone new to love and make memories with. But I guess you didn't get that memo.