Blog Post 291

Feeling Lost Again

I wish I  could tell myself that everything is fine and well but they aren't. I'm feeling more lost than I ever have. I feel like I'm back to where I was a few years ago and I don't know how to get out the feelings that I'm dealing with right now. Everything just feels like it's going in slow motion and time is just no longer there. My mind is telling me one thing but my heart is pushing me to the other and I don't know what I should be doing right now other than supposedly try and heal from all the things that happened due to my mistakes and trying to love someone so deeply that it put me in a position where I only want the best for them but no longer wish to be in love or think about doing love ever again. Love to me is such a regret and a waste of time that it just makes me feel like I'm never going to be good for anyone out there or myself and it just fucking hurts thinking about love in that way when all I did was give it my all just for things go south and end in flames once again.

I feel lost without that person being in my life but I'm also aware that me being alone will help me heal and cherish all the memories I had with them. I look back at all the trips and pics I took and it just makes me sad knowing we can't make any more together because of my overthinking and thinking that I was never good enough for you and it's all my fault thinking you were the bad guy when the bad guy was me. I just hate myself for treating you the way that I did and yelling at you all those times because I was hurting and didn't even know how to communicate it with you. I turned sadness into anger and anger into tears because I don't understand emotions and why they have to be so damn strong. I felt like no matter what I did or said it was never going to change anything that happened. There was too much back and forth going on because of my overthinking only because I've seen it all once before and I just didn't want that to happen again and it did. I made it come into existence between us and I'll never be able to forgive myself for it.

I just wish I could tell myself that everything is going to be alright but I'd just be lying to myself once again and I'm trying so hard to stop lying to myself about things that will never be. Do you not know how hard is it to sit there wishing things could be different while that person is already detached and moving on without you? Like you're sitting there begging and begging just for you to watch them leave? That was the worst pain I've ever felt in a long time and it's going to take some time for me to heal from that. Because I've never begged anyone to stay in my life but I did for them because they were the one who loved me for me and took the time to understand me but also in the end I had to think about the times they also used it against me. So maybe letting go is the best decision. I simply just don't know.

I get that I'm no angel and I made a lot of mistakes and did a lot of things that weren't supposed to happen in a relationship but I'm learning and trying to get it all right but I don't think I ever will. I have too much anxiety about small things as to certain details and when the text seemed off I would question them just for them to tell me to stop and I just had to sit there knowing I made a mistake. I don't understand why relationships just can't be simple for me. It's always a back-and-forth or nothing at all. I hate doing them so much sometimes that I just feel like being in them is pointless and stupid. I look at the people in them and I just can't imagine myself in that position. I sometimes understand the idea of them but at the same time, I just don't care to be into it. I enjoyed the relationship I had this past year (2023) but it just wasn't in my favor. I guess it was the right person but the wrong timing for me or maybe it was just simply because I'm not meant to be loved or give my love to others.

So I feel like what I'll start doing is just blocking out all the distractions and moving on from it all and going from there even though I know how much pain and suffering I'm about to put myself through with all those empty thoughts and feelings. I'm going back to my routine of being alone and learning how to do things on my own and not having to call someone about anything that happens in my life. I wanna go back to the state of mind of not needing or wanting anyone else. I just want complete solitude of just me and nobody else from here on out. My phone is on dnd until someone can prove to me that the way I love isn't wrong but just needs to be understood, So until that person crashes into me and teaches me about the right ways of love then don't bother asking me about my love life cause there isn't one and won't be for a while.