Blog Post 292

I No Longer Want to Be Here

Been feeling like complete shit and I just need to fall off the face of the earth and come back as someone nobody knows. I wish I could have zero history with everyone I've ever met and came across. I wish I could just be myself and not have to hide behind my persona of someone who can't be loved. I wanna enjoy a lot of normal things in life but I can't seem to do that right now because of all the shit I've gone through. It's like I've lost all sense of knowledge of what's right and wrong. I'm trying my best to be polite and fake my happiness but deep down inside all I'm doing is crying and screaming for a change / new beginning and I just want it to all stop.

Ever since the New Year, I've been feeling like I shouldn't be here and my life has absolutely zero meaning. I go around hurting others. I do stupid things. I feel fine but end up crying the next day. I get mad and then forget about what caused it. I have so many bad things about me that I don't even consider myself normal anymore. I've been told to change and be better this whole past year and I thought I could be what they wanted but it turns out I couldn't so I lashed out and took my frustration out on them for not being all they wanted. I know I shouldn't have but I was just so confused as to why I had to make all these changes to myself when being myself makes me happy. I felt like I was having to be so many people all at once and I lost myself in the process. I didn't know how to say things in a normal way. I lashed out over things I should've just ignored and I was in a place where I basically just didn't know how to be myself anymore.

I wish I knew what to do with myself instead of beating myself up and making myself feel like nothing. I've already had that happen to me so why am I continuing to let it happen? I thought if I just sat back and let things play out things would eventually go back to how they were but instead, it just blew up in flames and now there's nothing to look back on or think about. I'm sitting here thinking and wishing how a lot of things about me didn't exist but apparently, all the things I hate about myself are the things that make me unique but I just don't see how that's so when all my unique features end up hurting those around me. If my features were so unique then why do people keep leaving me behind? It's all a lie to me and I'm just a nobody with nothing good worth having it feels like now. I don't even wanna be up and alive anymore because clearly there's nobody out there that will ever understand me and it just sucks having to go from people to people just to feel all alone and empty inside every time.

I wish I could go up to the ones I love and ask why I'm like this and every one of them will give me a different answer and those answers would tell me all the things I'd need to change about myself. I know that's not thinking realistically but what more can I do? It's like I don't belong anywhere I go or get sent to. It's all just a find out and see and I'm sick of it. I wanna just be me with no judgment and feel free because all I'm feeling now is that I'm never going to get it right with anyone and that I'll just be alone til my time is up. Which sucks but it's whatever at this point. I'm so sick of trying and having to give it my all just to watch them leave. Like just give me a silver bullet with my name on it and shoot me the fuck!