Blog Post 293

I'm Sorry for Ever Coming into Your Life

I guess I'll just go ahead and get right into it and why I feel like me meeting you was a mistake in my opinion. I guess for starters I could go and talk about how I just wasn't ready for someone like you. I knew from the beginning you were too good to be true and there was no way that someone like you actually existed. From the moment we started talking I knew immediately that you were one of a kind and that your heart and mind couldn't be duplicated. You were the first person I've ever come across to be true to yourself and knowing that was such a blessing because I never had to wonder about you whatsoever. I just ended up wondering when I would get to see you. I felt no need to be shy or feel like I couldn't be myself around you. You made it really easy to talk to and laugh with and the amount of times I cracked jokes was oddly concerning but you laughed at each and every one of them.

The first few months were amazing and I couldn't believe something we both built would make me that damn happy. I was so amazed by all the times you went out of your way to make me laugh, smile, comfort me, and tell me that everything would be fine cause you were by my side and I just wanted to cry every time. I loved the hell out of you it just sucks I let you down. I got lost in my toxic thoughts about this and that when I should've been getting lost in your eyes trying to figure out how to make you stay just a bit longer just so I could have you in my arms. I loved the thought of us as one and that nothing could break us.

But then all of a sudden things changed and kept spiraling out of control to where no matter what I did to help try and fix them you would bring it up later in time and I thought we had gotten past it but I guess not. I tried so hard to make you smile but when you were attacking me and making me feel like a failure in the relationship I became numb and damaged to where I no longer knew what to say or do. I felt so useless and dumb in everything that I just let you think what you wanted, I cried so much during that month thinking that this i where it ends and there was nothing I could do or say to fix it because you wouldn't give me the time of day to work on myself. You ended up seeing me for all my mistakes and kept shoving all my past habits down my throat expecting me to give you everything.

I felt as if the love I was so desperately trying to make work and keep a balance of peace and comfort was slipping away from me all because I chose to do something that could've been easily explained but at the time I just didn't see the issue with it and now that I'm looking back I can see why it was wrong and I'd hate to say it but I'm still going to say that what I did was never any of your business. So I'm sorry if that's still my answer but I can't lie to myself about something that already happened. It didn't matter to me at the time so I didn't see why it was such a big deal for you. But clearly, anything about me was always a problem for you and I don't think anything that I ever did was worth it for you.

I spent so much time and money on you trying to figure out plans and making sure that they weren't boring and that you'd have a good time. I ended up making sure that the things I did and planned out for you were perfect. I treated you like you were everything I could ever need and you chose to take it for granted. We shared so many laughs together but my laughs were genuine and real how about yours? I gave you all the things I didn't have because I put you over my own needs, I let you get whatever you wanted and I swiped my card as if it was nothing. I wanted to put a smile on your face every second of the day but I could see no matter what I did it would just fade away and it hurt me not knowing the reason behind it.

I felt as if my doings were all wrong and nothing was working. I thought treating you to nice things and paying off your credit card bill with $800  would make you see how much I wanted you to succeed and be happy. I only wanted the best for you but it turns out you never wanted the best for me. You only cared about yourself and that's okay, but you seemed so genuine but in reality, you were only using me and I was a fool for not seeing that earlier on in the relationship. I felt so bad that I started sending you money because I felt like my money would have better use in your hands than mine but turns out I was wrong. Luckily I got all the Venmo and Cash App transactions back but I'm thinking about if I wanna ask for my money back that I helped you pay off your credit card with. But I know if I do then I'd seem like the biggest A** hole in the world and I'm just not trying to be that. Not after all the things I had already gone through with you. It's simply just not worth it.