Blog Post 294

A Guy Like Me...Can't Be Loved

Not sure who to trust anymore and I swear trying to even think about the ones I love just no longer does it for me. I want something so real and pure that everything I do will be seen for the good and better instead of having it be used against me. I wanna look at someone one day and just smile to myself thinking about how I finally found the one who I won't hurt. I really hate coming in contact with strangers and making something out of nothing just to watch them leave all because I couldn't keep my cool. I wish I didn't have to fall in love so hard but I do and I guess it comes from always protecting my heart so nobody gets a piece of it and toys with it. I'm way too careful about my heart and peace that the slightest pain will make me question my entire decision about choosing someone like you. I hate doing it but it's all I know. If things start going south it's game over because after the first sign of trouble, it just gets worse right after that and I'm no longer trying to see how bad it gets. So please do me a huge favor and just take it slow and easy while you're with me. I love way too hard to have things end in a short period of time.

I get sick to my stomach nowadays from all the pain and tears that my body creates. It hurts more than ever knowing I did all I could just to watch you leave. I tried everything I could to make us last and work things out but I guess time just wasn't on our side. I never not once gave up on the love we had because in my head you were the one I needed and wanted to be with at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day. I loved you with all my heart just for you to break me piece by piece and I don't understand why you did it. I thought everything was great between us but I guess that all shifted when I was getting all in my head a bit too much. I couldn't separate my anger from the sadness I was feeling. So I kept lashing out expecting you to understand when in reality nobody can ever understand me when I lash out no matter how much I explain it in either text or voice memos. I do all I can to make myself understood but it just doesn't click with others and I don't understand why. It's like my life is a foreign language to everyone and I'm just stuck in my own damn world not feeling anything because what more could I possibly feel when all my emotions are being drained right out of me right before my eyes trying to give it my all for something that I believe is worth fighting for!

I no longer feel the need to explain myself anymore. I feel like I'll just get ignored and look like I'm asking for too much when I'm hardly ever asking for anything but the truth. It's all I ever really care about. But I guess that shit really is the only foreign language to y'all. I'm sorry for coming into other's lives thinking that I'll be worth your time but in all honesty, I'll never be worth a second of anyone's time. I feel like I just need to drop off the face of the earth and see how much people really talk about me. Because I swear when I'm around it's like I don't even exist but when I'm gone they all wanna say some shit about me. I don't even do anything but try and be myself but I guess being myself is just not good enough for anyone. So I pretend to be those around me just for them to get annoyed at me ... I'm so confused as to what the hell everyone wants from me. Like do you want me here or did you just invite me to make me feel like shit? It's not like I wasn't already feeling like shit before I got here and started talking.

I have a hard time opening up to people and trusting them to not talk shit behind my back is already complicated as it is. I'm way too quick to shut someone out of my life and not say anything to them until I feel like the damages and pain from their doings have been healed and even then I still don't care to speak to them. I feel like when people use things against me that I've only mentioned once will always be the first to go. I have no second thoughts about cutting people out of my life. It's the thoughts of keeping them around that get to me. Why am I sitting here waiting for the moment they come and end up hurting me again when all I have to do is just cut them off and go about my life stress-free of negative thoughts. I love the stress-free life way too much so if someone's causing me to feel some type of way best believe they're getting out of my life at all cost. I don't have time to keep going back and forth on whether I should stay or leave when the answer will always be me leaving.