Blog Post 296

I'm No Longer Allowed to Tell You That I Love You

I've lost all rights telling you how I really feel about you so I'm coming to you from afar and onto a screen so I can just get it back to where meeting me never mattered. I get that the guy I was at first was a complete angel and no wrongs could be done but to tell you the truth with time that's not me. I get overstimulated with all these negative thoughts and throughout the time of being with me, I lash and overthink about every little thing just to find myself in a position where I end up the bad guy and there's nothing left for me to do but to just walk away from it all. It hurts like hell knowing I get myself into these sort of situations with everyone I come in contact with. I try to play it safe every time but in the end, it's no use. I'll be seen as the bad guy eventually so I let it out and walk away from it all as if nothing ever mattered and they no longer have to deal with the thought of me.

My life is set up to where I know everyone I come in contact with will always bring out the dark side of me so I leave before that ever happens and this time I failed to leave before it got out so I ended up ruining their life to the point of no return and it's all my fault for not seeing the signs beforehand. I should've just left them alone and continued to decompress and ignore all the feelings I was having. I should've gone into the numbing stage and left it all alone. I tried so hard to get it right every time it went south but for some reason, I just let it be for what it was and didn't care to stop it from letting it happen. As I sat back and watched it spiral out of control I cried and felt completely numb while it burned right in front of me knowing it was all my fault. I didn't care to do anything but just accept it and smile at the end as the fire went out. I couldn't be held down to a situation that was burned to ashes right before my eyes. So I figured I'd just move along and consider what I had to be in the past now. It's done and there's nothing more to it.

There were so many calls, texts, and exchanges of words face-to-face before we let it get this far trying our hardest to prevent it from getting here but it was no match. The shit I was going through and making you deal with was too much for anyone. So burning it all down was the only way out and I wish I could say I tried to stop it from spreading but I'd be lying. I'm no longer wondering about this or that when it's already coming into the light as to what's happening from my own doing and to be honest I fucking hate it. I thought I'd have forever with someone like you but turns out it was just my imagination getting the best of me and I was blinded by all the beauty behind it that I wasn't seeing it for what it really was. 

I was being toxic and controlling over a relationship that ended months ago just to have something worth keeping. But there's nothing worth keeping other than the pics. I was becoming someone I wasn't and it felt nice but at the same time, I didn't know what I was doing let alone I was blinded by the power of control. Having that much control of someone was so stupid to the point where I felt like nothing else mattered when the whole reason for being with that person was to love and protect them but I lost sight of that because of the things I did in my past were coming to bite me in the ass all because they kept bringing my past up whenever in heated situations. I'd only bring up small factors up just to have it be thrown back into my face and for some reason, it triggered the worst in me and I lost my cool every time. I'd shut down and do something stupid just to come to the realization that was really shitty of me and I can see why there are so many downfalls to my life. I don't ever seem to keep it together or acknowledge the fact til it's too late.