Blog Post 299

Will It Ever End?

I'm truly sorry for what's about to be said but I don't want to keep acting as if I'm doing well. I've been struggling a lot lately and I don't ever tell anyone about the things I'm going through due to the judgment and criticism afterwards. So I stay quiet and out of everyone's way. I like to be on my own most of the time and not have to feel anything. I go mute because I'm scared of slipping up and saying something that'll put me in a hospital. So I limit myself to the things I say and people think I'm upset with them when I'm not. I'm just struggling to find myself to open up and have a conversation with them.

I'm dealing with so many fucked up things on my part that I can't even look at some people the same way as I used to. I'm blaming myself for other people's problems knowing it can easily be resolved with just some time and patience. I feel like I'm losing myself with everything I'm doing. I can't decide on what I wanna do with myself half the time. I'm either really tired or really energetic to the point where sometimes I cannot focus on the things I need to get done because I'm stuck in a zone where I'm thinking about all the bad I've done and all the people I've hurt in my life and I all the pain I've caused to those that loved me. I'm constantly having people walk in and out of my life because they simply can't handle me at my worst because how could they when I don't even know what I'm really like at my worst. I give them a snippet of what my worst is and they wanna act as if I never mattered to them. Which is fine since I feel like I would do the same but when it's someone you thought you'd have forever with it's simply just a different type of pain.

I feel like it's way too late for apologies to those around me and explanations as to where I'm at and what I'm doing with myself and my life. But I know that loving someone will never come easy to me and that's okay because someone already showed me the way I love is not for everyone so thanks to them I'm now having to isolate my feelings for those who want something more than a friendship with me. I can't be the guy they need or are looking for. Cause apparently no matter what my anger and frustration will always get the best of me and I've come to a full understanding of what I'm meant for and it's to just work my ass off on bettering myself for me and no one else and to be as independent as possible without the need or assistance of others. I never want to look to someone for something and have them make me feel guilty for it. I can do all the things I need to do or simply just assigned to me by myself.

I feel like this past year (2023) taught me more than I could handle and I was having so many things changing around me that I couldn't keep up with it all so I ended up having a massive overload to it all that I just became someone I wasn't and soon enough everything that I cared so much about simply got destroyed in the process and I can only blame myself for it all. I didn't even get to process the pain and tears that I was crying simply because I didn't even know where it came from. All I knew at the time being was I became someone I wasn't and didn't know who or what I was. So I was acting out and never saw things for what they were. I felt so bad towards the person I was supposedly in love with but knowing how love is supposed to go it was no longer a love worth holding onto. It was more like hell disguised as a picture-perfect love simply because I'm so used to toxic love that I somehow managed to turn something so pure into something toxic in a matter of months simply because I'm not used to normal and the feeling of true love when it shows up and that's so fucked up on my end.

I guess my biggest mistake was thinking someone like you could love someone so damaged as me and I'm sorry I made you think you could handle me when it was clear you couldn't. So I'm truly sorry for fighting with you begging you to stay and to keep holding on when you letting go was the better option and I wish I could have seen it sooner. I just felt that life with you was the better option for me. But it's all so clear now that it was only ever going to be a temporary thing but for some reason, I tried to make it permanent and that's not what my life had plans for. So I guess all the back and forth was a sign for me to finally let go and do what I do best which is to let go and find the things that make me happy instead.